There are certain phrases that you imagine hearing, years before they may ever be spoken. As a teenager, you dream of someone looking you in the eye and saying those three little words: "Where's the bathroom?" Oh stop, I was testing you, we all know what those words are. I for one dreamt of hearing them and then made-out with my pillow joyously or my favorite poster of Scott Baio (was that just me?). You envision the intoxication of uttering “I do,” and long for the life altering, “Congratulations, it’s a (put sex here).”

Today, while driving, my daughter asked this: If G-d made all the people then who made G-d? Um um um, I stuttered. Why couldn't she ask something simpler like "Where do babies come from?" Fiiiine, that would've caught me off guard as well.

If you really give it some thought, you could list a multitude of statements, and questions that are pretty inevitable while raising children, but who really stops to think about that stuff before it happens?

Well today, I did, and here's what I've come up with (feel free to add the ones you dread most).

Questions:

1) Where do babies come from?

2) How do they get out?

3) Why is the fish swimming at the top of the bowl?

4) Where do people go when they die?

5) Can we get a puppy/kitty/hamster/hermit crab/pony?

6) Did you ever try cigarettes/drugs/get drunk?

7) Mom, how come (insert crushes name here) doesn't like me back?

8) Can you drop me off a block away from the mall?

9) Could you please knock from now on?

10) Can I have the keys to the car?

11) Will you take me to get contraception?

Statements:

12) I know there's no Tooth Fairy, Santa … Easter Bunny.

13) Mom, I can read bedtime stories myself now.

14) I drew you a picture … it's on the wall.

15) You're not the boss of me.

16) The nurse said I have lice.

17) Look, I gave myself a haircut.

18) You don't have to tuck me in anymore.

19) I wish ______ was my mommy.

20) Your kisses don't really make it feel better.

21) I'm too old to dress up for Halloween.

22) Mom stop, you're embarrassing me.

23) You wouldn't understand.

24) I think I just got my period.

25) Everyone else is allowed to.

26) Meet my boyfriend/girlfriend.

27) I hate you. *Slams door*

28) See you for Thanksgiving break.

29) I got a tattoo, an ear-hole stretchy thing, my tongue/belly button/lip/nipple or eyebrow pierced.

30) The last of my things are all packed up.

The last one made me kinda teary, but truly, I dread them all, and yet most of them are par for the course. Hopefully, by thinking them through in advance, I'll be more prepared. Eh, probably not.

 

Jenny Isenman AKA Jenny From the Blog, is the humorist behind the award winning, The Suburban Jungle.com. An on air lifestyle expert, card carrying Gen Xer and columnist at HuffPo and TheStir, her goal is to you keep herself sane and to teach dolphins to read. She is failing at both. Join her … and the INSANITY on Facebook , Pinterest, and Twitter.