So, it was just V-Day (the most romantic day of the year) hahahah ho hee hee - I'm sorry did I do that out loud? I just find it so fascinating that we were all once people with carefree lives that didn’t involve phrases like, “because I said so” or “I’m gonna count to three.”
In fact, if I said, “I’m gonna count to three,” before having kids, I was probably wearing edible lingerie and my husband had his hands over his eyes awaiting the big reveal.
If I owned edible lingerie now, my husband would probably find the box and just snack on it while grazing through the cupboard, then I'd probably join him in scarfing it down and claim I was too full to have sex.
Yep, after having kids, even the romantic gestures and date nights feel askew. Which is why I give you this:
Phrases one might have said on date night before kids VS. after kids...
Before: This sex is so hot, I may want to go at it again in an hour or two.
After: This stuff those crazy newlyweds call 'sex' is more enjoyable than I remember… I may want to go at it again in a week or two.
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Before - To self: I'll probably never pass gas in front of this man. I may be hunched over in pain, but this one's worth it.
After: Honey, you may want to roll down the windows.
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Before: It really turns me on when you undress me slowly
After: It really turns me on when you load the dishwasher. You get started on that, and I'll undress myself.
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Before: Wait, you're showering naked and I also need to shower? What are the odds? The reservations can wait.
After: No shower, this dried popsicle juice in my hair can wait, we leave the second the sitter arrives.
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Before: Bring on the shots. I can sleep it off tomorrow.
After: I'll just have one a single cocktail. The babysitter requires me to do math when I get home and I'm pretty sure someone will be waking me before sunrise. On second thought, add a lot of juice ... maybe I should make it a virgin.
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Before: I got this new perfume and what do you think of my new lingerie?
After: I couldn't find any of my lingerie, so I settled on this t-shirt that says Camp Weeho was Great in 88'. I think it makes me look younger, plus I cut the neck and sleeves that year, which was super sexy in 88', I'll have you know.
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Before: These candles and massage oils are so relaxing.
After: The light from the TV is perfect … do I have to pause the show? I heard this is going to be the most shocking rose ceremony ever. Maybe I'll just mute it.
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Before: Nothing short of food poisoning could stop us from a raucous roll in the hay tonight.
After: I think I may have food poisoning moan moan, maybe next week for that roll in the hay?
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Before: I'm tired/ bored/ too tipsy/ ready to get to the bedroom/ don't like the color of these walls… let's go home.
After: We can NOT go home yet, our kids won't be asleep and the sitter's going to think we're total losers. Let's just circle the neighborhood a couple more times. Maybe hit a Starbucks, did you have enough coffee at dinner?
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Before: Is this a middle of the night wake up call?
After: Which one of my children is resting their foot on my forehead?
So, date nights and romantic gestures aren't as sexy as they once were. I say embrace the changes and keep some edible lingerie around. You never know what it can lead to.
Jenny Isenman AKA Jenny From the Blog, is the humorist behind the award winning, The Suburban Jungle.com. An on air lifestyle expert, card carrying Gen Xer and columnist at HuffPo and TheStir, her goal is to you keep herself sane and to teach dolphins to read. She is failing at both. Join her … and the INSANITY on Facebook , Pinterest, and Twitter.
