10 Steps To Raise Great Kids Who Want To Cooperate

What if you could enjoy your family?

^{by Rob Kerby, Senior Editor}

"How's your day going?" asks Dr. Laura Markham. "Have you had a moment of connection with your child that made your heart melt?" You need that kind of moment every day, to be an inspired parent, she says. Why? Because parenting is hard, and those moments of love are what keep us going. Dr. Markham, author of Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How To Stop Yelling and Start Connecting believes such special moments "remind us that our child is a young human doing the best she can, even when we wish she'd act differently. That’s what prompts you to do – automatically – all the things that help him thrive, from cooing during infancy to rough-housing at age three and chatting at age eight."

What if you could enjoy your family?

“Our kids need those moments too,” writes Dr. Markham. “That's when our love really sinks into their souls. And our children need to know that we take joy in them or they don’t see themselves as worth loving. What if you could create that deep loving connection as your (almost) constant way of being with your child? It would be like giving yourself a magic wand! There would be no more yelling in your home. Some heart-felt tears, maybe. Lots of hugging, smiling, laughing, fun. And a child who wants to cooperate?" Since earning her Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology from Columbia University, she has worked as a parenting coach with thousands of parents. And she says you can have happy, cooperative kids. "Here’s how.”

What if you could enjoy your family?

Step 1. Keep your own cup full . You can only give what you have inside, writes Dr. Markham. If you’re stressed and running on empty, you’re going to start yelling, no matter how much you love your child. Give up your perfectionism. You're more than enough, just the way you are. Trying to be perfect tightens a vise around your heart. Practice positive self-talk. Find ways to nurture yourself. If you simply have to evaluate yourself as a parent, never judge yourself by your child's behavior, but by your reaction to it. Find spirit in your life. This doesn’t have to mean a higher power, just whatever inspires you to connect with your deepest wisdom. For some of us, it’s as simple as a walk in the woods or gazing at the stars. We all need to reconnect regularly with the miracles that make life worth living. Every time you start to feel negative, find as many things as you can to be grateful for, and really feel that gratitude. Research shows these practices reduce stress and improve health and happiness.

What if you could enjoy your family?

Step 2. Take responsibility for your own emotions. “ At least half of the time when we get irritated, impatient, or frustrated with our kids, it's because we're already feeling stressed or unhappy,” advises Dr. Markham, who also writes for Mothering Magazine. “Then there's a spark, our bad mood flares, and before we know it we're in the middle of a firestorm. The other half of the time our anger is "justified" in the sense that our child acts in ways that trigger us. Naturally, we want to lash out, to blame, to make our child feel bad. Isn't that how she'll learn? The short answer is No. At those moments you’re in fight or flight and your child looks like the enemy. Kids won’t always do what we say, but they will always, eventually, do what we do. So if you want a child who can manage her emotions, remember that you’re her role model. That's why being mindful of your mood transforms your parenting. It can even rewire your brain!”

What if you could enjoy your family?

Step 3. Connect Before You Correct. When children believe that we’re on their side, they cooperate. When they decide we don’t understand, they stop trusting us to look out for them. They harden their hearts and look out for themselves, whether that’s sneaking cookies, hitting their brother, or lying to us. No amount of "parenting skills" can make up for the lack of a close parent-child relationship. Kids only accept our guidance because of who we are to them. Without a strong relationship, kids don’t care about pleasing us and parenting becomes a thankless task. If your child is defiant or “doesn’t listen” that’s like an indicator light on your dashboard that your relationship with your child needs a tune-up.

What if you could enjoy your family?

Step 4. Re-Connect With Your Child Daily. All parents need to repeatedly reconnect with their children, just to repair the daily erosion created by life’s normal separations and distractions, says Dr. Markham. Humans connect most quickly through physical touch. So slow down, let go of distractions, and really engage with your child. Snuggle after lights-out to hear what he’s looking forward to tomorrow. Plop down on the couch to give your teen a foot rub and trigger those bonding hormones. Start a chase game with your toddler or preschooler to get her giggling and relieve stress. Encourage sibling bonding with a "kids against parents" pillow fight. (Let the kids win.)

What if you could enjoy your family?

Step 5. Find the Sweet Spot between Authoritarian and Permissive Parenting: Empathic Limits. Research shows that kids need kids need limits, but they also need to know you’re on their side and understand their point of view. So we aren’t just looking for a middle ground between strict and permissive, neither of which raises cooperative, happy kids. The best parents combine the high demands of authoritarian parents with the high responsiveness that is often associated with permissive parents. In other words, research shows that the children who are happiest and most confident are those whose parents have high expectations for their behavior – but who also score highest in warmth, nurturing, supportiveness, and responding to their unique child’s needs. (Researchers call these parents “authoritative” as opposed to “authoritarian.” But many people find that confusing, so I just refer to them by what they do: Empathic Limits.)

What if you could enjoy your family?

Step 8. Help your child build confidence and resilience by tackling manageable challenges, with you as backup. Emotional development researchers call this "scaffolding," which could be defined as the framework you give your child on which she builds. You demonstrate, or use words to suggest a strategy, or simply spot her. These small successes achieved with your help give her the confidence to try new things herself. Praise effort, not results. "You worked so hard on this." "Wow! You didn't give up!" Of course it isn't perfect. She's a child. And even if it is great, the point is never the product – you don’t want her resting on her laurels at the age of six, or sixteen. Your goal is for her to keep trying, practicing, improving, and to learn that her hard work pays off.

What if you could enjoy your family?

Step 9. Don't Try to Guide Your Child When You're Angry. Is your child acting out? Intervene to keep everyone safe, and then say "I need to calm down before I speak with you." Re-center yourself so you can give your child the loving guidance that will help her want to do better. If your guidance to your child comes from fear, it will backfire. If it comes from your loving connection with your child, you'll be on the right track. When necessary, use your inner pause button. You don’t have to repeat history with your kids. Even if you’re already way down the wrong path, Stop. Take a deep breath and hit the pause button. Remind yourself that you have a choice about how to teach your child. Close your mouth, even in mid-sentence. Don’t be embarrassed; you’re modeling good anger management. Save your embarrassment for when you have a tantrum.

What if you could enjoy your family?

Step 10. Give Yourself a Huge Hug. “You're a hero just for getting up each morning determined to be the best parent you can be,” writes Dr. Markham in Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids. “You don't have to be perfect. In fact, accepting and loving yourself might be the best gift you can give your child, because it helps you be more emotionally generous. A close bond gives us access to our natural parenting know-how and lets us see things from our child’s point of view, which makes us better parents. And it makes children more open to our influence, even as they move out into the larger world of friends, school, and the rest of their lives. Study after study shows that the best protection for teens from the excesses of the culture and the peer group is a close relationship with parents. So hug yourself. Hug your child. And enjoy your magic wand of connection. You're becoming your child's fairy godmother or godfather!”