12 Clever Ways to Keep Your Marriage Exciting

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Don’t Talk So Much! “Nothing is as easy as talking but as difficult as communicating,” writes Keller. “Some marriage couples believe that they are doing what are required to do when they speak and tell their spouse what’s on their minds. Unfortunately this is just half the battle and it’s the easier half. The key to effective communication is not speaking, nor is it even just listening, but it is understanding what your spouse is saying so that you can more effectively respond. Listening is probably the most difficult aspect of communication. It is not merely being silent; it is allowing your partner to communicate so that you may understand them better. Too many couples listen with the goal being a more effective rebuttal in the conflict, or to better communicate their position when it’s their turn to talk. I recommend “listening between the lines” as the goal to keep in mind whenever you talk. One of the most important aspects of this concept is focus. In order to focus more clearly, couples need to avoid the following distractions: physical, relational, mental, emotional, and spiritual distractions can hinder communication and in some cases completely destroy it. So the next time you have a time of communication with your spouse, I would recommend that you not call it a time to talk, but a time of listening.”

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Quit Forgiving all the Time! “Conflict resolution is non-existent without forgiveness,” writes Keller. “Any time an argument stops without true forgiveness being asked and granted, the marriage suffers and another conflict can be all but guaranteed in the future. And in the off chance that no future argument does occur, what is sure to happen is for there to be emotional and relational distance and further drifting apart for the married couple. But many times, forgiveness becomes minimized due to a lack of understanding what true forgiveness means. The words ‘I forgive you’ are easy to say, but not so easy to put into action. So what does it mean to forgive? To forgive a person means that you are releasing him or her from any and all punishment for a past or present offense, no matter how badly they deserve that punishment. Any retribution that may be contemplated needs to be set aside. The offense may never be used as a weapon against the offender at a later date. So, as Christ forgave my sins, I am called to extend that forgiveness to others. This, of course, is one of the central tenets to the Christian faith. So why quit forgiving all the time? Too many times forgiveness is extended with the expectation of the offending party that conditions can go back to normal without consequences. If the offense is particularly abusive, then conditions must be in place to enable trust to be rebuilt. Therefore, forgiveness does not mean trust is automatically reinstated. So even though forgiveness must be liberally given, boundaries need to be kept in place so the process of forgiveness is not abused by the offending spouse. If you are in a marriage where wounds have not had time to heal, then I would strongly suggest that you reevaluate your boundaries and refuse to keep yourself in an abusive relationship. Stop forgiving so much!”

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Stop Spending So Much Time Together! Keller continues: Conventional wisdom is that the more time you spend together as a couple, the better your marriage will be. But time together is not always a good indicator of a good relationship, and as a matter of fact, it might indicate that the marriage is not doing well at all. I maintain that couples that spend proactive time apart can have deeper and more emotionally connected marriages. The reasons for this are many, but four primary reasons come to mind: first, time apart can give or return a sense of self. Second, it can allow time for personal evaluation. I am amazed at times how few people focus on how they are doing and their own personal development. Third, time apart can give a fresh perspective on your marriage and your spouse. Finally, it can give a genuine appreciation of your spouse. Conventional wisdom in these cases is many times wrong. There also are situations where remedial time apart is warranted. Proximity can be a reminder of recent offenses and can provoke continued pain in the offended spouse. Time apart can be an agent that will allow wounds to heal. It can begin a much-needed healing process for personal and relational needs. It can also be a time to establish a therapeutic protocol that would address the problems faced. Finally, it will allow the couple to work on an agreed upon reconciliation process. So, the mere proximity of your spouse cannot guarantee a growing relationship. When couples are stick, I strongly encourage them to take some time to themselves to gain a new perspective. And when the marriage is not doing well, many times taking some time apart becomes a necessity. Whatever your situation, be intentional with your time together, and don’t hesitate to use your time alone to bring a healthier perspective to your life and marriage.

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Fight More! No one that I know likes to fight. There are certainly those who are stronger fighters than others, and perhaps a small minority feels that the best defense is a good offense. But no one likes to fight. The reality of being married, however, means that conflict is inevitable. Couples that “never fight” are not living in reality but actually are almost always quite unhealthy. The “good marriage” myth is that an absence of conflict means that the marriage is healthy and that is certainly untrue. No two people are going to agree on every issue or situation. I try to assure couples that conflict is a common occurrence in most healthy marriages. So instead of attempting to avoid conflict, I urge spouses to view it as an opportunity to grow both individually and as a couple. Use it to understand each other better, understand yourself better, to build your teamwork, and to discover unaddressed issues that you might have as an individual. So when couples fight, some techniques I urge them to use is to give each other equal time, stick to one issue, and make sure that there are no character attacks during the conflict. I also urge couples to have a time limit on each conflict so that they don’t experience the frustration of emotional attrition. Fifteen minutes is plenty time to resolve a typical marital conflict, and if you need more time, give it a day’s rest and try again. Anything that requires more time most likely would require the input of a qualified third party. So stop avoiding conflict… that usually means that future conflicts are more volatile. Fight more, but fight fair. The “good marriage” myth is that an absence of conflict means that the marriage is healthy and that is certainly untrue.

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Have Less Sex! We live in a sexually charged society. Our culture is inundated with sex, sexuality, and sexual innuendo. This sexualization across all domains of our culture has presented unique challenges to marriages trying to thrive today. Sexual mores have changed, sexual expectations have intensified, and varied sexual experiences are more common. So what should be a couple’s attitude toward sex, qualitatively and quantitatively, coming into marriage? Some suggestions that I give almost every couple would include first of all, focus on quality not quantity. Don’t allow your physical relationship to be reduced to a “how many times…” mentality. Second, focus on your spouse’s needs, not your own. This needs to be done after you’ve healthily communicated what your personal needs are to your spouse, but then the focus is on the other person. Third, discipline your desires. Undisciplined desires lead to chaos and wasted effort. Physical intimacy needs to be surrounded by healthy boundaries, and self-denial for a period of time is an excellent discipline to learn. Fourth, keep your priorities straight: emotional and relational intimacy is the goal, not merely a mutually satisfying physical experience. And fifth, let me add that monogamy is mandatory. This is probably obvious to most, but monogamy is essential if one is to experience deep emotional intimacy with his or her spouse. I’m often surprised that spouses believe they can find true intimacy with someone other than their spouse. True intimacy is not attained when you have online affairs, are viewing pornography, or when you are in an extramarital relationship where your emotional and sexual energy are being focused. There is no way around this: monogamy is essential to intimacy. So my advice is to have less sex and have more intimacy.

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Be Worse Parents! Parenting is a great responsibility and a great joy, but it can also be a great dictator. Our lives are so inextricably linked with our children that it sometimes can be overwhelming emotionally. My most emotional moments and the majority or my rears were engendered by my kids. But my children eventually left home – can you imagine that? And my wife and I were the ones that remained. And the really interesting thing to me is that our relationship is still the backbone of our now extended family. The encouragement here is that you don’t focus so much on parenting that you forget that the most important relationship in your family is your marriage to your spouse. Some things to remember would be first that spousal love covers a multitude of parental sins. Kids are continually silently evaluating the health of their parents’ relationship not their parenting techniques! Second, parenting is best done as a team. I suppose this goes without saying, but couples violate this principle with regularity. A united front makes for a good marriage. Third, your children need to be allowed to make mistakes. School is the obvious example here. Undue pressure to perform many times produces results that are not only negative but can result in dysfunction. Fourth, let your children reap their own consequences in terms of the decisions they make. Too many parents run interference and absorb the negative results of their kid’s bad choices. So if you’re making your children the primary focus of your home, your marriage needs to undergo an upside-down makeover. Marriage comes first.

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Embrace Poverty! Studies have shown that money is the number one reason that couples argue, and I find this is true with many of the couples that I counsel. When the marital conversation changes from the topics of budget and lifestyle to that of mere survival, the impact is of biblical proportions. So, no matter what financial issue you’re dealing with as a couple, we first need to dispel some myths before we work on some fundamental principles when it comes to money. The first one is that money makes you happy. Certainly the lack of money is very problematic, but increased wealth is not commensurate with marital satisfaction and happiness. Another myth is that money makes you secure. Commitment made by a person with character to a life-long relationship is the only provider of security. The third myth is that money makes you free. Some of the most bound people I know are those who have great wealth and live in fear of losing it. So I encourage couples to do a budget, save 10%, and give 10%. In addition, it is imperative that couples not spend money that they don’t have. Loans and credit card debt tend to distract and deflect a couple from doing the basic communication that is required in every healthy marriage. Also, I encourage couples to live on a limited income. Just because you happen to make more money doesn’t mean you have to spend it. Finally, learn the secret of being content with what you have. In fact, embrace whatever income you have and allow your marriage to not be distracted. If that means embracing poverty, so be it. Your marriage is more important than your bank balance.,

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Go to Church Less? If your faith is an important part of your life, then you will have set aside time to strengthen that faith in the context of Believers assembling themselves together to worship, be taught, and use their gifts for building each other up. But churches never “fixed” anyone, and certainly not anyone’s marriage or family; God is the one who redeems and restores. The Church is just a group of people who are in this process, telling each other of God’s faithfulness, and encouraging each other to continue on in the faith. It’s amazing to me how easily we forget this. I encourage couples that they don’t go to church so their spouse can be fixed, but they go to grow themselves. If you find yourself listening to sermons and saying “I’m so glad my husband/wife is here to hear that!” then you’re not in church for the right reason. Go for yourself. The next step is to decide to serve, and then figure out where, how, whom and when to serve. But the expectation that the church is going to be the family you never had or that the pastor will always be there for you is unrealistic. Remember, churches don’t change people, and that includes spouses and children. God changes people, churches don’t.

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Accept the Fact that You’re Average! I am often asked by couples how they compare with other couples with whom I work. It’s usually phrased as: “Are we the most messed up couple you’ve ever counseled?!” My standard answer is that every couple a counsel has serious problems that they need to deal with and that all in all they are just average. By average I don’t mean that they aren’t exceptional in some areas, I just mean that they are dealing with the same issues that all couples who are serious about have a good marriage deal with. Some of those issues would include factors like the differences that attracted you to one another initially have a tendency to become annoying in marriage. Opposites attract but they also attack. Another is that there will always be drama or looming drama in your relationship. Life seldom runs as smoothly as we had hoped, and difficulties always challenge marriages. A third reality is that children always change your marriage. As much as we love and care for them, those kids at the very best take a lot of time to deal with, and at the most challenging times they can break our hearts. Two more issues we all have in common is that money and work will be constant issues that will cause spouses to deal with different opinions and expectations. After thirty-six years of marriage, these areas still cause a good amount of stress in my relationship with my wife. So in light of these challenges I encourage couples to embrace two truths: first, expect attack and second, have a plan. If difficulties catch you by surprise, then you haven’t done your historical homework. In the well-known words of M. Scott Peck, “Life is difficult.” So don’t be surprised when this truth spills over into your marriage. Your plan to deal with these issues requires time and focus. Spend intentional time together and address the issues and potential issues you have. If you have difficulties or get stuck, seek professional help to get you over whatever hurdles you face. Accepting the fact that you’re “average” will help you better deal with the problems that confront every married couple!

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Be Less Religious! The majority of my counseling practice is with Christian couples who, generally speaking, are well-meaning and sincere in their faith. But many times problems arise when their commitment to faith and biblical knowledge is used against their spouse. When we are convinced of the truth of our opinion, there is a danger of falling into one of several traps. The first is to state of imply, “I am better than you.” Many times spouses see that their lives are better balanced or more spiritually centered than their spouse. But it is wrong to assume that indicates superiority in comparison to your husband or wife. The antidote is embracing the fact that we are all equal in the sight of God. Another trap is the conviction that, “I am right and you are wrong.” The decided reality here is that only God is right 100% of the time. Saying or implying that I have the final word in truth is a dangerous place to be, both personally and relationally. A final and most fatal pitfall is the assumption that, “You need to change.” If I could sum up the root of marital conflict it is in this opinion that unless my spouse changes, the marriage will not get better. Nothing is more antithetical to the Christian faith as this belief. We are both challenged and compelled by Scripture to not base our own actions on the successes or failures of with whom we have relationship. The command is to first take the log out of our own eye, and then we can help our spouse with the speck in his or her eye. So, instead of expecting my spouse to change, I need to change first. Be less religious is your marriage and you will not only have a better marriage, you’ll be a better person.

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Give Up Finding Your Soulmate! Of all the mistaken concepts foisted on the American culture over the last century, the concept of finding your soulmate is perhaps the greatest destroyer of marriages. I realize that Hollywood has been a convenient scapegoat for all sorts of disgruntled people, but I have to put a good portion of the “in love” myth squarely on its shoulders. The whole process of “falling in love” is one of the most coveted experiences in our culture; the harsh reality is that falling in love is no more than a temporary excitement that comes with a new relationship. This excitement is sustained by unusually high activity of our hormones and often complemented by a propensity to live in fantasy. We are an emotional culture and there really is nothing inherently wrong in that. But it can lead to being caught up in relational myths that consistently work against a couple having a successful and satisfying marriage. The fallacy in this thinking is summed up in a statement I hear all too often: “I missed my soulmate.” Really? It’s as if our journey through this life is a search for “the one,” the only person that is uniquely suited to join us in our life’s journey so we can be completely fulfilled and happy. And if we can just be diligent enough, or patient enough, or wise enough, then we will be truly completed. Not only is this not true, it is a dangerous and nefarious lie. Any man and woman, if completely committed and focused, can have a growing and mutually satisfying relationship. Finding a soulmate has nothing to do with it. Instead of focusing on finding one, I would strongly suggest you be a soulmate to the spouse you already have. It’s the only healthy path to intimacy that I know.

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Don’t Go Home For Christmas! I love Christmas and it is my favorite time of the year. And in the spirit of full disclosure, I enjoy spending this holiday with my grown children and grandchildren. With that being said, the good news about Christmas is that families get together. The bad news about Christmas is that it many times exposes and exacerbates family dysfunctions! But these thoughts aren’t so much about Christmas; they are about the emotional dynamics that swirl around our families of origin. Christmas just happens to be the time when those dynamics are most keenly felt. All spouses bring their families and their family history into their marriages. Issues such as inadequate launching of adult children, over-dependence on parents, attempting to repair the irreparable, and parenting your parents, are all serious impediments to enjoying healthy relationships with members of your family of origin. My admonition to all married couples is to do nothing with your families or origin out of begrudging obligation, or to try to help when it is not your role to help. What is mandatory at these times is a dialogue between adult children and their parents that will establish and clarify roles and expectations. When family members are willing to enter into this dialogue, I believe that good outcomes are the result. When they are not, you likely will be forced back into a sense of duty rather than experiencing joyful community. And when you are feeling that sense of dreaded duty, my advice is: don’t go home for Christmas!