4 Signs Your Marriage is in Trouble and How to Fix it

Shutterstock.com

Relationships are what make our lives worth living, and those that involve trust, loyalty and our deepest sense of commitment can often be the most rewarding — especially the relationship between spouses. But far too many marriages that begin with a madly in love couple walking down the aisle end up with two angry, bitter people staring grim-faced at a divorce lawyer. So how does a couple go from affection, shared goals, and mutual support to ugly dissolution?

The answer is deceptively simple: rather than deal with issues head on, as they crop up in a relationship, too many couples sweep differences under the rug, to be dealt with another day, or, more likely, not at all. And take it from me: the damage to a relationship can be difficult to reverse.

After 13 years of marriage, my husband and I found ourselves at a crossroads: do we push through our difficulties, or call it quits? For us, it took a lot of introspection, plenty of counseling, but more than anything, the time and patience to take an honest look at our relationship. Sometimes that involved late night, uncomfortable conversations that we had been avoiding, and other times it meant taking some time apart to reflect on why we chose to commit to one another in the first place.

In hindsight, there were plenty of signs that our marriage was in trouble, but it took a long time for us to actually see them. Here are a few of those signs, and some advice on how to deal with these issues proactively, while your marriage can still be saved and even strengthened.

A Lack of Intimacy

Shutterstock.com

Letting the intimacy die in a relationship is a dangerous thing in part because it is so easy to rationalize. In our relationship, my husband and I were too quick to claim we were too busy, tired, or distracted to keep things going intimately. There are too many reasons we come up with to not connect physically, and they can be a death knell for a relationship.

When my husband and I found that we were growing distant physically, we waited for the situation to correct itself and this was our mistake. Instead, we should have tackled the issue head-on, with love and understanding, but also with a determination to get back on track.

Our therapist advised us to simply start talking. It was important not to assign blame, but simply to mutually acknowledge the lack of intimacy that has been occurring. Next, we made an effort to reconnect physically by simple romantic gestures, such as a date night or a couple's massage.

After things were rekindled, we made sure to keep it going by learning what the other wanted. Reigniting those early days of passion proved to be a great step forward in repairing our relationship.

Financial Issues

Shutterstock.com

While divorce rates are higher among the working class than the college educated, it is overly simplistic to think that people get divorced because they are in perpetual financial straits. When money is a factor in divorce – and it often is – the reason is incompatibility. A spendthrift and a frugal penny-pincher are going to argue even if there is more than enough money coming into the household. If you do not see eye to eye when it comes to money and how to save and spend it, sooner or later, you will be staring at a divorce attorney.

For my husband and I, we realized too late that we didn’t necessarily have similar financial goals. We finally had to sit down, talk, and reevaluate our financial goals and budgeting. Once we found ourselves back on the same page about how much was coming in, how much was going out, and what the spending priorities were, we both felt a sense of relief — like a financial weight was lifted off of our shoulders.

Communication Issues

Shutterstock.com

Communication encompasses everything in a relationship: sex, money, family planning. It probably won’t come as a surprise to learn that poor communication was at the root of a lot of our problems.

For almost three years, the communication in our relationship had devolved into bickering, arguing, or barely speaking to each other at all. And trust me, those communication issues were not about to magically disappear with time; they were only getting worse.

So how did we improve communication in our marriage? First, we made the effort to unplug and disconnect when discussing issues. We found that we were more likely to solve problems if one of us was not simultaneously wrapped up in the television, searching the web on a laptop, or texting on our phones. It’s easier said than done, but it helped my husband know I was present for him, and visa versa.

Next, when discussing a problem, we made an effort to avoid hyper critical or judgmental language. This helped us to speak freely, without fear of being castigated.

Finally, we had to both accept that an issue had been settled. I will admit, I’m prone to bringing up things from the past. But for the sake of saving my marriage, I had to let bygones be bygones.

Addiction

Shutterstock.com

It could be alcohol, prescription medication, or cocaine. It could be online porn or even the addict-like behavior that results from an obsession with social media - which was the case in our marriage. Sadly, few marriages can survive the pain and upheaval caused by one partner (and sometimes, both) being an addict.

Fortunately, we were able to break our (mutual) addiction to social media by calling each other out if we caught the other person falling into the rabbit hole of posting and scrolling (Pintrest for me, Twitter for him).

There are myriad organizations and support groups that cannot only help the addict, but the spouse as well. AA and Al-Anon are just two groups that regularly save lives – and relationships.