8 Steps to Teaching Your Child Manners

Principle 3

Teach nicely and apologize as needed

Children will be children. We need a double dose of patience to deal with them some days. For those times when we react in a way that we regret, we lead by example and gentleness when we admit our failure and sincerely ask our children for forgiveness. This allows our children to see what it looks like to fail and with humility own up to it and seek forgiveness. In my home, I tell my sons when they argue that the victory doesn’t go to the person that wins the battle. It goes to the person who restores peace. As parents, it’s our calling and responsibility to be the bigger person (the restorer of peace) anytime our words or actions have not set the example we want our children to follow.

How much is too much, when it comes to teaching manners?

Principle 4

Be gradual

When you decide to intentionally train your children in good manners, you may be tempted to say, “Listen up, everyone. Changes are coming! Here’s a list of twenty-five manners that I want us all to start using today.” Can you say, “short circuit?” The all-at-once approach leads to failure every time. A different approach is to prayerfully consider what area of manners will make the most noticeable difference in the way your child views himself and interacts and respond’s to others. Pick the area (conversations, kind words, dining, first impressions, and such) and begin there. Pick out the top three manners in that area and when your child gets those three correct about half the time, add on one or two more skills. In this way they make slow but steady and sure progress.

How do you introduce a manner?

Principle 5

Brief and debrief

Knowing what to say and how to act in Sunday school, at a birthday party, a play date or a first date, does not come naturally. It’s not common sense, it’s uncommon sense. When we know that an upcoming event will challenge our children’s social skills, we can take advantage of two teaching opportunities: (1) briefing before the event and (2) debriefing afterwards. Think about all the things that might occur during the occasion and then talk about or role-play them with your child so they’re prepared in advance. After the event, ask questions about what happened. Remember: your children isn’t a small grown-up, they need you to help them navigate new social waters.

How do you motivate your child toward good behavior?

Principle 6

Notice and praise

With children we tend to get more of what we comment on and notice. If we see our children being mannerly and compliment them on it, they’ll strive to please us by doing it again. Not only can we compliment our children on good behavior, we can also compliment them when they stop a poor behavior. “Giselle, I noticed you playing nicely with the baby today. When Josh knocked over your doll house by accident I heard you say that it was OK, and I also saw you smile at him when he crawled into your room. I’m really proud of you for being such a kind big sister.” One caution, “Notice and praise” does have a downside. If done for every little thing, it can turn our children into “praise addicts.” In order to keep your efforts from backfiring offer praise for specific acts like the ones used in the example above, not just general behavior as in, “You’re the best sister, ever.” It’s also effective to notice and praise the good actions of others you see in person and on TV and talk about why what the person did had a positive impact.

What is the 80-20 rule?

Principle 7

Follow the 80-20 rule

Studies show that 96 percent of the messages most people deliver to their children are invalidating, such as corrections, negative facial expressions, or lack or availability. In contrast, the ideal communication ratio between a parent and child is only 20 percent negative balanced by 80 percent positive. The most powerful kind of positive communication you can give your child is to simply say I love you – spontaneously and affectionately. The only power you have to influence your child’s heart is what he or she freely gives you through love. If the heart connection isn’t there, you might still have an obedient child, but the obedience is only controlling their actions, and as caring parents we want to lead our children through connecting with their heart not by stereotypical drill sergeant tactics.

Are good manners ever optional?