A Happy Marriage Starts with You

A wonderful marriage

Believe the best. “To err is human and even the best spouse acts like a jerk sometimes,” writes Shaunti Feldhahn. “But the key is what you believe about why. Do you think ‘He knew how that would make me feel, and he said it anyway?’ Or do you think, ‘He loves me, so he must not have realized how that would make me feel?’ Your happiness in marriage probably depends on believing the best of your spouse’s intentions, rather than the worst. In her survey, Feldhahn found that nearly everyone (even in very troubled marriages) cares about their mate. But those in less-than-happy marriages didn’t believe it. As one longtime family lawyer put it, ‘So many divorces could be prevented if people would assume that their spouses had goodwill instead of presuming that they didn’t.’”

^{Photo by unclepockets/Flickr Creative Commons}

A wonderful marriage

Sleep on it. “People have heard ‘don’t go to bed mad' but the highly happy couples sometimes do!” writes Feldhahn in The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages. “The key, it turns out, isn’t necessarily having to resolve something before bedtime, but how you handle your anger and what you do the next day. The happy couples have learned that when their argument isn’t getting anywhere, ‘Nothing good is going to come of having two tired, upset people trying to force resolution at 1:00 in the morning,’ as one husband put it. Instead, if you’re at risk of saying hurtful things you don’t mean, or agreeing to something you’ll be upset by later, try sleeping on it. The next morning, though, if the hurt feelings are still there, you need to address them and work toward unity. Where less-than-happy couples just tried to ignore the whole thing, the happy couples dealt with it.”

^{Photo by Roland/Flickr Creative Commons}

A wonderful marriage

Boss your feelings around. Most of us grew up believing that we don’t choose feelings; they choose us. How misleading! Have you ever yelled at your mate out of anger, only to regret it later? In her research for The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages, Feldhahn found that men and women in great marriages work to stop negative thoughts and actions and replace them with positive ones, and not just because it’s the mature or “right” thing to do. As these couples explained, positive thoughts and actions produce positive feelings. And of course… it also works the other way around. So the next time you’d like to slam the door on your other half, try giving him a hug and watch your anger melt away.

^{Photo by Mr Thomas/Flickr Creative Commons}

A wonderful marriage

Hey you, it’s me. Feldhahn continues: Highly happy couples have all sorts of ways of reconnecting and saying “we’re OK” after an argument. About 70 percent of couples Feldhahn surveyed choose not to hold each other’s mistakes over their heads and had their own private way of signaling that the relationship is still strong, even if the issue is still very much unresolved. This mutual re-connection after a fight – whether it was saying “are we okay?” or giving each other a playful shove – was a key factor that cemented couples together after inevitable conflicts. The struggling couples (22 percent) were more likely to just move on like nothing ever happened, leaving unresolved hurt and insecurity in their wake. So don’t be afraid to give the “all clear” signal, and be receptive if your mate makes the first move!

^{Photo by INTVGene/Flickr Creative Commons}

A wonderful marriage

Have Factual Fantasies. Do you think if your wife really wanted you, she’d seduce you every day? Have you ever felt that if your husband really cared he would hang in there in an emotional conflict instead of withdrawing for an hour or three? Well, you might just have to adjust those beliefs. It turns out that one of the main things that makes couples unhappy is unrealistic expectations. But in her study for The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages, Feldhahn found that many of the marriages became happy when they stopped longing for something that was difficult or impossible for their mate to deliver – and instead noticed and appreciated what their mate could give.

^{Photo by Rick Camacho/Flickr Creative Commons}

A wonderful marriage

Want to go to Home Depot with me? When you see a sweet elderly couple holding hands, that sure inspires you doesn’t it? Well, those couples are probably happy because they’ve been purposeful about spending time together! It turns out; happy couples don’t just spend time together because they are happy; they’re happy because they spent time together! And although a date night is great, it doesn’t have to be something formal; even taking the kids to their activities or going to the grocery store provided hang-out time. Feldhahn’s study, along with one by Dr. Brad Wilcox of the University of Virginia, found that couples who “did stuff” together at least once a week were five times more likely to be “very happy” in their marriages than those who didn’t!

^{Photo by Rick Camacho/Flickr Creative Commons}

A wonderful marriage

Don’t believe the naysayers. Feldhahn’s marriage research for The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages revealed a core assumption that was central to highly happy marriages. Highly happy couples don’t just believe it’s possible to have a good marriage, they believe it’s probable. They assume their marriage will succeed and pay no attention to the naysayers who would have them believe otherwise. And it turns out: they’re right. Most of us have heard that half of all marriages end in divorce, but it’s simply not true. According to 2009 U.S. Census Bureau data, 72 percent of people are still married to their first spouse – and the 28 percent who aren’t include millions of people who were married for decades, until a spouse died! So, don’t be cynical about marriage; be cynical of what the cynics say about marriage!

^{Photo by Rick Camacho/Flickr Creative Commons}

A wonderful marriage

Never use the D-Word! Believing that your marriage will succeed is a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you believe the best, you will do your best and refuse to give up even when things get hard. Because giving up simply isn’t an option. Of course, negativity is also self-fulfilling. Many troubled couples became happy because the partners literally removed the word “Divorce” from their vocabulary. They vowed to never consider it or hang it over their spouse’s head as a bargaining chip. Although you can’t control what your spouse says or does, if you personally shut the door on that possibility, you’re much more likely to breathe strength into your marriage. In fact, if you do any of these ‘surprising secrets of highly happy marriages’ you’re likely to not only find new strength in your relationship, but find happiness welling up in all sorts of delightful ways.”

^{Photo by Rick Camacho/Flickr Creative Commons}