How Can I Help My Children? Making a Safe, Healthy Environment For Your Kids By Chris & Rahnella Adsit and Marshele Carter Waddell

Little People Dealing With Big People Problems

The journey from infancy through childhood and adolescence to adulthood is already difficult and confusing enough for both parents and children. Add the volatility of a father struggling with the ravages of Combat Trauma, and you’ve got a truly mystifying voyage.

The primary instinct of every parent – especially of mothers – is to protect their children. But within your heart this instinct is competing with several others as well: to be supportive, honoring and protective to your husband, to preserve your marriage, to keep yourself safe, to maintain a harmonious and loving household, to pursue your relationship with God…the list could go on. It’s more than you can figure out on your own, but not too much for God – and He wants to help you with it:

But if any of you needs wisdom, you should ask God for it. He is generous to everyone and will give you wisdom without criticizing you. – James 1:5 (CEV)

Explaining Without Providing Graphic Details

Your husband – their Daddy – is different from how he was before he went off to war. Not trying to explain this is to your children is like trying to ignore an elephant in your family room. Whenever they have questions, answer them with honesty and at a level that is appropriate to their age. With every answer, assure them of two things:

· It’s not their fault.

· Things are going to work out okay eventually.

Dr. Annette M. La Greca, professor of Psychology and Pediatrics at the University of Miami, offers a few additional tips to help you as you discuss war with your child.

· Use words and language appropriate for your child. For example, when speaking to young children, use words such as “hurt” instead of “injured” or “car” instead of “vehicle.”

· Be neutral. Do not judge or criticize your child. Make comments like there: “That’s interesting.” “Tell me more about it.” “What do you mean?”

· Be truthful with your child. Provide honest answers and information. It's okay to let your child know how you feel about what is happening, but be careful not to scare or alarm your child.

· Explain that what is happening in the war is real – unlike violent movies, cartoons, video games or television programs. Help your child to understand that during war, real people are involved and some may die or get hurt.

· Be reassuring, but don’t make unrealistic promises. For instance, if it comes up, you can tell your child that our government is doing everything it can to protect us, but do not promise that there will not be any more terrorist attacks in the United States.

Understand Family Dynamics & Communication

Make it clear to your kids that you want them to share with you what’s going on inside them and what they are feeling about how their father is acting or how it’s affecting their relationships with their siblings. And then listen to them without judging them or becoming defensive about your husband. Don’t minimize their concerns, but respond with warmth, love, empathy and reassurance. Help them to know that you’re on their team, and be appreciative and affirming whenever they open up to you.

· What should I tell them: That will depend on how mature each child is. You can walk him or her through it and stop from time to time to ask and answer questions. Younger children might need to approach the subject on a more basic level. Help the child to understand that this is a common reaction to really bad experiences. It happens to many other men besides their daddy. Compare how Dad feels with how the child felt when they experienced an awful experience in the past. Talk about some of Dad’s symptoms, and what a “symptom” is, speaking about it like a symptom of a cold. Remind the child that the family is not responsible for Dad’s anger and they can’t fix it.

· Talk about feelings: Any kind of conflict – war or family arguments – will draw emotions to the surface. If they are not acknowledged and dealt with, they’ll get suppressed and will show up later, incubated and much worse than they started out. You should never force your child to talk about his or her feelings. If they get upset when you try to get them to open up, let it drop for now, and look for a more opportune time later. Make some casual reference to your own worries or frustrations because it helps him realize that you are a real person who can cry as well as laugh, and it models an appropriate way to release feelings – talk about them.

· Physical contact: Look for opportunities to comfort and reassure your children through physical touch. Younger children should be hugged, cradled and kissed as often as practical to communicate your love and affirmation. They need it and will almost always respond positively to it when they feel stressed about things. But older children and teens also need physical contact – whether they’ll admit it or not! However timing is everything with teens. But look for ways to touch them that lets them know that you love them and are looking for ways to “stay in contact” with them.

Pray Specific, Applicable Scripture Over Your Children

You’re working hard to create a healing environment for yourself and for your husband. Obviously, you will have the same objective for your children. More than any force, your heavenly Father can help your children deal with the issues created by their earthly father. Daily, Scripture – inspired prayer will make a huge difference in your children’s outlook, confidence, resilience and spiritual health. You can either pray directly for your children or use patterns of prayers you compose on your own. Some examples:

Compassionate: Lord, clothe ____ with the compassion of Jesus and enable him to be empathetic towards his father’s pain and to bear with him. – Colossians 3:12

Self Control: Father, help ____ not to be like others who are asleep, but let him be alert and self-controlled. Lord, since my son belongs to the day and not to the night, let him be self-controlled. – Thessalonians 5:6

Servant’s Heart: Lord, I pray that You will encourage ____ to serve her dad wholeheartedly, as if she were serving You. Reward her; Lord, for whatever good she does. I pray that her father will be won over without words by the purity and reverence of her life – Ephesians 6:7; 1 Peter 3:1, 2

Help Your Children Respect Your Husband’s Triggers

Your children need to know that some of the common characteristics of someone with Combat Trauma include hypervigilance, exaggerated startle response, fight or flight reactions, flashbacks, etc. Depending on the age of your children, you probably won’t use those exact words, but you should at least communicate the concepts. Help them to understand that, when Daddy was in the war, he had to be very alert and react for actions at all times - just to be sure that he could stay alive in case the enemy attacked him. Now he’s having a hard time not thinking about it. In a way, his brain is “stuck” like that. So when certain things happen here at home that remind him of the time he spent in the war, his mind and body react automatically as if an enemy is attacking him.

Then, with a pencil and paper in front of you, think through with your children the various things that trigger your husband. Turn it into a brain-storming session. Try to get them to suggest what sets him off by recalling what happened just before previous times when Dad got angry or abusive or sad. If they aren’t able to come up with triggers that you know about, add them to the list after their observations are exhausted.

With the list you’ve come up with, you can now help each other remember to avoid actions that will trigger your husband’s symptoms. And when they forget and trigger them accidentally, they’ll see his reaction more as a symptom of his disorder, rather than as a personal attack on them.

If Physical Safety is an Issue...

There may come a time when you feel that you or your children are in danger. If your husband is becoming increasingly threatening either in word or action, if you sense that he’s about to cross the line into any sort of abuse and he is not willing to talk with you about your concerns, it’s time to execute your emergency escape plan.

According to The Domestic Violence Sourcebook by Dr. Dawn Bradley Berry:

Adolescents from abusive homes run a much higher risk of substance abuse, suicide, or running away. The trauma continues through adulthood. Many men in prison – some estimates place the figure as high as 90 percent – were abused or witnessed abuse in the home while growing up. Even children who break the pattern and don’t grow up to be violent themselves suffer terribly. According to a Johns Hopkins Children’s Center study, teenagers exposed to violence, especially in the home, are more likely than others to become depressed or hopeless.

Make Time For Each Child

A mother is wise to create or look for opportunities to have one-to-one time with each individual every few days. A bedtime story, a walk, a dinner together – these provide a chance for the child to ask a difficult question or to vent some painful emotions in the safety of your togetherness. For now, it’s best not to share with hubby what the child has said or expressed – not until some measure of healing has come.

As you have the opportunity to get “up close and personal” with your child, the intimate atmosphere may bring your emotions closer to the surface – which is great if you don’t allow it to go too far. It is important to communicate your heart in an honest and open fashion, but it’s also important to balance that with conveying your emotional stability to your child by remaining calm.

Try To Maintain Family Routines…

We’re not talking about trying to ignore the elephant in the living room. If the main of the house has PTSD, most of the normal household routines are going to be disrupted. But whenever possible, try to keep them intact. Routines can also be a good, home-based distraction from their worries about Dad. By working to maintain normal family routines, you will be reminding your child in vivid ways what has not changed, and more importantly, that you still have each other.

One common family routine in many households centers around home entertainment media. Dr. Annette La Greca advises that these forms of entertainment should be restricted for the child’s sake. This is especially important for children who have a parent or relative in the military or who have experienced recent trauma. Upsetting images may lead to fears, bad dreams and trouble sleeping. Limit television shows that include war-related programming, particularly the news and special programs about wars. It will also help to limit television shows, movies, magazines, Internet sites and video games that have a lot of violence.

Empower Your Kids

One of the most troubling aspects of experiencing any sort of trauma is the loss of control. When your husband’s Combat Trauma symptoms are dominating the home, everyone else is giving up some of their territory to accommodate him. The unfairness of this isn’t lost on the children. Think of ways that will put some power back in their hands.

· Let them make decisions about clothes they wear, meals, desserts, family outings, chores, bedtimes (within reason).

· Give them greater responsibilities around the house. Ask them to help prepare dinner, help with yard work or even home repair. Help them see that by doing more they’re helping you, helping their father and helping each other. Add the incentive of an increased allowance commensurate with their increased responsibilities.

· Encourage them to get involved in service projects in their community or with their church. As they are able to give their time and energies to others, they’ll feel better about themselves, and it will take their focus off their difficulties.

Seek Professional Help

There are multiple treatment options open to affected families. Of course, if your husband is getting help and improving, this will benefit everyone in the family. But you can also involve your children in family therapy – individually, all together or both. If your husband is getting some coaching on how to be more supportive of the children during family therapy sessions, the times will be more productive. Young children can be involved in art or play therapy. Older children and teens can engage in supportive talk therapy. The main objective: provide a place where each child can have a voice in expressing what he or she needs.

Because so much is being learned about how strongly PTSD can affect families, Veterans Affairs PTSD programs (www.va.gov/) and Vet Centers (www.va.gov/rcs) across the country are beginning to offer group, couples and individual counseling programs for the families of veterans.