Why Being a Hostess Is So Important

By Sandra Garson

Facing the Fear of Death. We’ve come to the coldest, darkest days of the year, which means holiday time, and there’s a reason for its peculiar tsunami of food, drink and partying. It’s the same reason meetings and seminars any time of year inevitably set out snacks and water in a “hospitality room.” Hospitality —a Latin word that means “to meet the needs of guests”-- is as old as humankind, likely the reason we are still here because the primary survival need of any guest, any body, is food and water. We may know where the closest supermarket is, but our nomadic, hunter/gather ancestors could not be certain about their next meal, especially far from familiar tents. Survival totally depended on kindness in an encounter with strangers, and the IOUs that kindness created. To not give someone food, salt and water was tantamount to murder, which is why hospitality became the basis of morality. It’s written into the precepts of all religions, its goodness being as close to godliness as we can get. Here are everyday examples.

Sandra Garson is the author of Veggiyana, the Dharma of Cooking and How to Fix a Leek and Other Food From Your Farmers’ Market. As a longtime student of Tibetan Buddhism and well-known cook for Dharma centers from Maine to Mongolia, she became the first food historian to explore the Buddha’s influence on how the world now eats. This led to exploration of more religious beliefs about food.

Tea Ceremonies and Samovars

Tea Ceremonies and Samovars. In the heights of Central Asia where hot and cold go to such extremes hydration is critical, guests are greeted with tea. The story of a lost Himalayan climber’s efforts to repay his rescuers by building a village school was titled Three Cups of Tea because no discussion could start until that ritual ended. The Russians have their famous “samovars” which continually boil water so tea can be made the moment someone shows up. It’s considered rude not to immediately offer an arrival food and drink. The expression that translates “to sit by the samovar" implies pleasant chats over tea, what we call from the German version a kaffeklatsch. It signals a safe place of no violence. Travelers and guests in Japan are greeted with tea as well as elaborate pastries, wagashi, created to capture the setting at that moment. This comes from Japan’s famed tea ceremony, whose religious essence ichigo ichie means ‘treasure every encounter with someone else because it may never happen again’. The special pastries usually evoke admiring comments, which break the ice for conversation.

Feeding Beggars

Feeding beggars.The Buddhist word for monk is literally “beggar” and every morning in Southeast Asia, a 2500-year-old ritual is re-enacted as monks in saffron colored robes fan out from their monasteries, bowl in hand, to seek food. Astonishingly, residents of the neighborhoods will be ready, having cooked more than they need so they have something to offer. By making monks literally dependent on the kindness of strangers, the Buddha turned the human need for food into this daily religious rite that cultivates the sublime qualities of virtue, discipline and generosity. Seeing lay people feed monks so they can pursue enlightenment, the mind’s eye sees compassion feeding wisdom. Hospitality becomes the skillful means that recharges Dharma every day.

Risking the Unknown

Risking the Unknown. The Christian Bible’s word for hospitality, philoxenia, is Greek for one who loves strangers. The message is that hospitality should not be offered only to known guests. More crucial is being open to whatever arises or whoever comes. In keeping with the Jewish belief everyone is created in God’s image, Jesus preached equal acceptance of friends and strangers alike. He invited all disciples to his Last Supper, even Judas who betrayed him. So while recognizing the potential threat in any guest, Christianity emphasizes welcoming everyone, despite or even because of the risks. The Catholic Communion, which evolved from Jesus’ Last Supper, is fearlessly available to all comers as a display of true hospitality.

Duty to God

Duty to God. Arab and Persian hospitality is legendary for the extremes it goes to, namely shaban, giving your all to give your guest total satisfaction. This is because, historically at least, to refuse someone refreshment in the scorching deserts of North Africa and the Middle East is to let them die. Islam, the religion born in these deserts, insists hospitality is an unavoidable duty, not just to the needy stranger, but to God who created him. The Qur’an says a host must think ahead to anticipate whatever a guest might need because a courteous visitor might hesitate to request anything for fear of being a bother, and thus suffer silently. Keeping a visitor happily comfortable and safe without fear proves you’re very willing to carry out your duty to God so hosts tend to do it in a big way.

Seeing the Oneness in All

Seeing the Oneness in All. In the Taittiriya Upanishad of the Yajur Veda, Hindus are taught: “Revere a guest as God.” The Sanskrit word for guest, athidhi, means “without time,” which is to say someone who may spontaneously appear at any moment.” Because this person could be God manifesting, perhaps to test the host’s devotion, Hindus treat every guest royally. They believe this merit will come back to them as someone else’s hospitality when they are in need, making the world a less scary place. Sharing food with another, who may be a stranger yet still enjoys it, heightens awareness that having the same needs connects us as one creation of the Gods. By recognizing the hand of God in the guest is the same handiwork of God that you are, you transcend external human differences to arrive at the sublime realization of oneness.