When a Parent Dies

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There is little that hurts as much as the death of a parent. Whether your relationship was good or bad, your connection to the people who raised you is one of the strongest in your life. When one or both of them pass away, a void is left that cannot be filled.

There is no magical secret to healing from this kind of devastating grief. There is only management through self-care.

Unfortunately, many people who go through the death of a parent don’t understand how important self-care is during this difficult time. They allow their lives to falter, dropping their responsibilities and allowing their pain to drive them through bad decision after bad decision.

But this downward spiral isn’t what parents wish for their children. No—most parents would want their children to remember them fondly, and to move on with their lives, going on to live in peace and joy.

If you’ve lost a parent, know that you can do this—you can move on. This doesn’t mean forgetting—it moving on just means that you keep on living, and that you continue to pursue happiness. To help you do this, let’s go over 7 emotional tools you can use to care for yourself after a parent dies.

Don't Expect to be Ready

When it happens, you will not be ready. Even if your parent is elderly, or has been sick for a long time, and the death is “expected,” that doesn’t mean you’ll be prepared for the reality of your parent’s absence.

There is little you can do to brace yourself for what it’s going to feel like—not even if the death of a family member is something you’ve experienced before. Each grief we feel over the course of our lives has a very different character than the last.

You’re going to feel a multitude of emotions when the reality of what has happened sinks in. There will be loss, but the depth of that loss may take you by surprise. This is, after all, someone who has been a part of your life for as long as you’ve been alive. Your loss may even trigger secondary sources of grief, such as the realization that your own children have lost a grandparent. This will be overwhelming.

You may feel anger, as well—especially if there was unresolved tension between you and your parent. You may also feel guilt because of this, wishing things had been different between the two of you.

These emotions are normal. They’re healthy. They will happen, and their strength will surprise you.

Release the unrealistic notion that you’ll be ready, and you’ll be all the better able to handle whatever emotions arise within you.

Accept Your Feelings

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Once you’ve released any unrealistic expectations of readiness, you must learn to truly accept the feelings that come from the death of a parent. Suppressing them will only lead to emotional torment and ill health.

Accept that that there is no defined limit to your grief. You cannot “get over it,” as some might feel. There is no definite end—you might grieve, recover, and grieve again. The death of a parent is like a bullet wound—the bullet, itself, may be extracted, but sometimes a few shards of shrapnel remain, hurting whenever the area is touched in just the right way.

Accepting your grief also means freeing yourself to express it. If you want to cry, do so. If you don’t, there is no shame in that.

If you avoid your feelings, you get a short-term benefit, but at the price of long-term pain. Often, this leads to harmful coping behaviors in an attempt to continue staving off the pain. You turn to drinking or drugs or work or any number of other things to keep the pain at bay, gradually grinding yourself down.

Instead of expending energy pushing them away, accept and experience your feelings. Once you acknowledge them—and learn from them—you can begin the process of moving on with your life.

Reach Out to Others

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You can’t do this alone. At some point, after the death of a parent, you’re going to have to reach out to others.

Having a support system is vital in times of crisis, so you should seek out friends and family who can help you get through difficult time.

Some people have a hard time with this, either because they feel that they will inconvenience the people in their social support system. Believe this, though—they see your heartbreak, and they want to support you. Your friends and family may not exactly know what to say, but they want to see you recover.

You should avoid those people, though, who judge your feelings, or even worse, who invalidate them. These people are poison, and don’t deserve to be among your social supports.

Reaching out strengthens your connections to the people who love you. Don’t forget that they’re waiting to comfort you, and that all you need to do is accept what they have to give when you are ready.

Be Tolerant of Your Limits

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Grief will change you for a time. You won’t be able to concentrate at work. You may be irritable, or even enraged. You may only be able to take a limited amount of social interaction each day. Your feelings may also leave you extremely fatigued, and you may need some serious time off from both work and play, even if you are normally a resilient person.

These are not faults. Give yourself some slack and be tolerant of your temporary limitations as you grieve.

Being too harsh on yourself takes away your chance to accept and process the death of your parent. Don’t try to push yourself back into the mold of the person you were before your parent died—that’s not going to work. You are, temporarily, at least, changed as a person

While you’re grieving, let go of all the things you should be able to do. Don’t let them become an additional source of pain. Accept where you are right now, and you’ll be able to recover all the better.

Don't Keep Everything

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When someone we love passes away, it can be very tempting to hoard their every possession. But this isn’t a good idea—keeping every single thing inhibits our ability to move on toward the future by cluttering our lives with the past.

This means not preserving a room they once slept in as a sort of shrine. It means not keeping that mountain of clothes. It means not filling your home with their belongings, littering your life with trinkets of grief.

If you do this, you risk becoming stuck in the past. You don’t need constant reminders of what was, or what could have been, surrounding you at all times. Keeping a few important items is all you need—things you can bring out when you want to remember. These should be things that bring you joy, that remind you of good times rather than simply reminding you of what you have lost.

When it comes to your deceased parent’s possessions, try to limit yourself. Your parent would not have wanted you to live in the past, so do your best not to fall into this trap.

Don't Make Big Decisions

As a rule, it’s best not to make any big decisions for six months to a year after the death of a loved one.

The shock and grief of loss can fundamentally change the way you think, leading you to make decisions you’ll regret for years to come. After a death, many people are tempted to move away—to run from the memories.

Your emotions, as important and valid as they are, can cloud your good judgment. You’ll feel the urge to act on things right away, without much planning or forethought. You might be willing to do anything in order to make the pain go away.

It is healthy to realize, though, that no matter what you do, and no matter where you go, grief is going to follow you. You will still be you, no matter where you are, and so decisions about finances, your home, your job, or anything else of consequence should be put off until you can think clearly.

Alternatively, you can make use of your friends and family to help guide you through good decision-making. Run your thoughts by them, and let them weigh in on what they think might be best.

Don’t let grief push you into doing something you’ll regret. Just wait for a time, and you’ll be in a much better position to decide how to move on.

Take Care of Yourself

Above all, you must remember to take care of yourself, even when in the deepest throes of grief.

This means continuing to eat well. Ask supporters to bring you meals, if you’re having trouble mustering the motivation to prepare food. Instead of relying on fast food, eat vegetables, plenty of lean protein, and whole grains, and drink lots of water. Believe it or not, your diet can have a huge effect on how you process emotion.

Stay active, if you can—even a single, 30-minute walk a day can go far in keeping you healthy as you grieve.

And perhaps most importantly of all, get plenty of sleep. That’s going to be tough, at first, as you lie awake thinking of what has happened, but do your best to adhere to a regular sleep schedule. Even if you can’t immediately fall asleep, try to get in bed at the same time each day so that your internal clock doesn’t get confused.

Finally, seek professional help. Your friends and family may not be enough, and although a counselor might be a stranger to you, they can give you the tools you need to make it through your pain. Turning to a mental health professional is not weakness—it’s wisdom.

Taking care of yourself while in emotional pain is a challenge, but it is vital that you do so—it will make all the difference in how quickly and how completely you’re able to get back on your feet.