I Dont Read No Stinkin Parenting Magazines By Karen Alpert l Parenting Advice l Baby Sideburns l Mommy Blogs l Parenting Tips

So the other day I was reading some sappy crap on Huff Post when they started talking about helicopter parenting and I was like what is that - so I decided to look it up. Holy cow, there’s like a name for every kind of parent out there. Who knew?! Well, probably half of you because you read parenting books, but all I ever read is People magazine so I had no idea. I scan it to see which of these styles I am.

Not me. Not me. Not me. Not me. Not me.

Awesome. Basically I don’t fit in anywhere and I belong on the island of misfits. So here goes. My very scientific analysis of the five different parenting styles and why I’m not any of them.

Authoritative Parenting

Definition: These are parents who expect their kids to follow the rules they make, but when the kids stray, the parents tend to be more supportive than punishing.

Bwahahahaha! Okay, I have two things to say about this. First of all, I’m not stupid enough to think my kids are going to follow my rules. I mean, my kid’s the one who outlined every corner in our house with a purple crayon. And the kid who wiped poop on her nightstand last week. And the kid who purposely spilled her yogurt down the heating vent.

And second of all, you want me to do WHAT? Be supportive and NOT punish her for this stuff? I’m like sit down in that corner, young lady, and you can get up when the timer goes off, and then I go set the timer for two years. But apparently I ’m supposed to speak sternly to her and then go enroll her in art class or something.

That's a Wrap

So there you go. All five parenting styles. So which one are you? One of the Baby Shakers, Codependent Granolaheads, Nervous Nellies, Dictators, or Enabling A -Holes? I mean, not that there’s anything wrong with any of them. Basically the way I see it, we’re all just doing whatever it takes to survive and not go to prison for killing a child and not raise someone who will go to prison for killing a child. Right?

If you’ve read this far, you probably liked this. Or someone has propped your eyes open with toothpicks and they’re forcing you to read it (which would be weird). But if it’s the former, check out my book I Heart My Little A-Holes. It’s hilarious and you can get it in these awesome places: Amazon, Barnes & Noble, BooksAMillion, and IndieBound.