Should You Stay Together For the Kids By Therese J Borchard l Marriage Advice l Relationship Advice

Research shows that marriages are vulnerable to break up at two distinct periods - the first being when the newness wears off and a couple discovers that sharing a bathroom isn’t so great anymore. Or secondly when the youngest child goes off to school. The pairs who have stuck it out for the kids no longer have to pretend that they are in a loving marriage.

I get the whole bathroom disillusionment. But sticking it out for the kids? Does that really reduce the therapy bill for the kids down the line? I’ve often wondered if I’d have less personal baggage if my parents had been capable of pulling off that act. Convincing research lies with both camps: those that suggest you should split if your marriage is spoiling, and those that say a less-than-perfect marriage is far better than a divorce.

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The Fireworks are Out, Now What?

Should parents put the happiness and welfare of their children before their own? The late clinical psychologist Ruth Peters answered this question well in a Today Show segment. “I believe that your happiness as an adult should not interfere with the welfare of your children, whenever possible,” she said. “You’re the adult, and they are just kids. The fireworks may have fizzled from your marriage and you may not even find your spouse interesting or attractive. But he or she is the father or mother of your children and you should invest considerable time, attention, soul searching and honest introspection before making a decision to forever change the dynamics and stability of your marriage and your home.”

It's Possible to Be Normal

Sharon Sanquist, a clinical psychologist in Melbourne, Florida, who works with children, believes it is important for parents to be honest with themselves and their children about their marriage since most children can sense when their parents are not happy together. “This may send a wrong message about love and marriage,” Sanquist says. “I have heard many children say that they wish that their parents would just get divorced because they cannot stand to see or hear the fighting between them.”

It’s messy, that question. Every couple must navigate through the mucky terrain in their own way given their own set of circumstances. I don’t think my parents’ divorce was what left me with so many colorful, interesting issues, so much as how their conflicts were handled and the baggage of growing up in an alcoholic home. My husband’s parents divorced and he hasn’t needed any therapy.