In a perfect world, our loved ones instinctively know how to love us in a way that meets our desires. Unfortunately, we don’t live in a picture-perfect world. Sometimes, our loved ones love us in the best way they can. The problem comes when it’s not the way we’re looking for it. Instead of searching and not finding, we should learn how to start asking. To jumpstart a conversation where you both learn more about each other, here are some ways to ask for the love you need.
In prayer.
Before asking your loved one for the love you need, take your issues to God in prayer to ensure that you’re asking for something your partner can reasonably give. For example, if you need love for lack of love that your parents gave you, that’s not something your partner can provide. Instead, it’s something God has to heal in your heart first. If you need the kind of love that will make you feel worthy, valued, and significant, that’s a need that perhaps only God can fulfill, while anyone else may think the task is impossible.
Take your issues to God first and ask Him to show you if it’s His love you desire to embrace and receive. As you grow in your love for God, you’ll see who you are in His eyes and be able to accept the love that someone else is trying to give. Knowing how much God loves you will also give you the self-confidence to ask your partner to love you and treat you as you desire and as God wishes.
With respect.
Love is something women crave and feel they can’t live without; men think the same about respect. Maybe that’s why the Bible explicitly commands husbands to love their wives in Ephesians 5:25 and urges the wife to respect her husband, as stated in Ephesians 5:33. Still, men and women should be respectful of each other when discussing delicate issues.
Show your partner the respect they deserve by ensuring there’s no accusation or sarcasm in your voice, which will only make the other person defensive. Ephesians 4:29 reminds us to only talk about what helps build others up according to what they need and benefit those who listen. Instead, focus on remaining respectful and building your partner up instead of breaking them down.
With affirmation.
It’s natural to assume we’re doing something wrong when our partner asks us for something we think we’re already giving. Your partner likely feels they’re already giving you the love you desire. Therefore, try your best to avoid making them defensive by framing your request in affirming, positive language.
Instead of starting with what they’re doing wrong, begin by telling them you appreciate what they’re doing right and who they are. Gently start the conversation, and instead of using sarcasm, use compassion instead of complaint and criticism. Instead of telling your partner, they don’t prioritize you anymore, let them know that you miss them and ask how you can start prioritizing time together. A definite way to affirm your request is to focus on something you both can work on instead of portraying the issue as the other person’s problem.
With regard to your partner.
Asking anyone for anything is humbling. Therefore, we can not like the humbling position that asking for something puts us, and we can ask selfishly without thinking about how our partner receives our request. When asking for the love you need, think about Philippians 2:3, which reminds us to do things with humility, regarding others as more important than ourselves instead of doing things selfishly or from empty conceit.
Put yourself in the other person’s shoes and ask yourself how you would receive it if your partner asked you the same thing in the same way, which may help you rethink addressing the situation. Use words you want to hear or words you know your partner desires to hear. When you have your loved one in mind when you ask, you can address the situation without being selfish or accusatory. Ask your partner what they need from you, so it’s a discussion instead of a demand.
With wisdom.
Ask sensibly by considering the appropriate manner, time, and place to have the conversation. Sometimes when and how you ask can make a big difference. For example, it may be best to address your spouse with potential concerns after they’ve settled in at home, had something to eat, and changed into comfortable clothes. When they’re relaxed with nothing else on their mind, they can receive what you’re saying more positively.
God is your supporter when it comes to looking for wisdom in having this discussion. James 1:5 reminds us to go to God if we feel like we lack knowledge because He will give us insight generously without criticism. Ask God for wisdom, then apply it when requesting the love you need.
With calmness and reason.
When requesting the love you desire, it’s easy to let your emotions get the best of you. It’s challenging to wade through confusing, muddy feelings, trying to verbalize how you feel. However, if you logically start the discussion instead of emotionally, you’ll have a better chance of being respected and heard.
Your loved one might think they’re already giving you the love you need, so try not to express emotions like resentment, sarcasm, or anger; they’ll only make a challenging topic more awkward. Immerse your situation in prayer and pick a proper time to discuss it. If you’re feeling frustrated, angry, or stressed about something, your feelings may bring out the worst in you by getting the best of you.
Being specific about your desire to feel loved may also help. If you limit your request to vague phrases, your partner may have difficulty understanding what you mean and what you need. Tell your loved one what will make you feel loved by them, and be patient if they’re surprised by your request. Asking your partner for the love you desire isn’t easy, but continuing the relationship without the love you want will only be that much more difficult.
