5 Consequences of Adultery

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Adultery destroys marriages. It is one of the worst things that can happen to a relationship. The betrayal of one partner in a marriage is one of the most devastating events that can occur in life. It violates everything you’ve built with your partner in such a personal way. Love is shattered, trust is destroyed, families are torn apart, and spouses and children bear the pain. Many of us who have been a victim to an adulterous affair did not see it coming. We were blindsided, and – before we knew it – were involved emotionally, physically or both with a person other than our spouse. Adultery can feel like a fatal blow, particularly to trust in your marriage. The worst of these is an adulterous affair where one or both spouses think they finally found the one God was really calling them to be with. Once convinced that he or she married the wrong person or that a better person has walked into their life, the idea of divorce can take root and grow. Blinded by the deception of the affair, most people have no idea how they got there, and don’t know how to get out. There’s no doubt about it; adultery affects marriages in the worst way possible. Here are five consequences of adultery.

Emotional Pain

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Adultery brings a painful avalanche of emotions for each spouse, beginning with the discovery of the affair. For the person who has been true to the marriage, it’s a feeling of betrayal and rejection. For the guilty party, there is humiliation, shame and embarrassment. Nothing brings more pain into a marriage than sexual violation of the marriage. At the time of discovery, the husband and wife are in different kinds of pain and are on different timelines regarding the affair: the adulterous spouse has been guarding the secret sometimes for months or longer, and now the fantasy has burst. But, with the ruthless breakthrough of reality comes a strange kind of relief. The burden of secrecy is gone. On the other hand, for the first time, the unsuspecting spouse is now beginning to deal with the reality that has been part of the adulterous partner’s life for a long time, and that can bring up an incredible emotional distress.

Relationships are Destroyed

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Parental infidelity can destroy relationships with children and other members of the family. Many children, particularly adolescents, feel a strong sense of shame when they discover that one of their parents has had an affair. Young adults who are in the middle of figuring out their own identity, and finding out about parental infidelity can shake their view of the world. Some children feel so ashamed of their parents that they cut ties. But relationships within the family aren’t the only ones destroyed. Adultery also has an impact on friendships. If you’re married or in a long term relationship and both you and your partner are friends with parting couples, it is quite possible that many or all the shared friendships will dissolve. The double dates to movies, dinners and sporting events will end immediately, but it may be even more difficult to remain friends with an individual within a shared friendship.

Loneliness

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Adultery is lonely and isolating. When the affair comes out, people may vanish, either because you told them to stay away, they’ve chosen a side or you didn’t want anyone around during such a tough time. If you’re unfaithful, you don’t want to tell anyone for fear of being labeled every bad name in the book. If you’ve been betrayed you also don’t want to tell anyone for fear of the labeling or the pity or the sense of shame that betrayed spouses can feel, or the unsolicited advice many choose to give. The potential labeling from people who have the nerve to think you were a bad spouse or why else would they have cheated? Or, if you’d have just done this, then they wouldn’t have needed to go outside of marriage (hard, to believe someone would say this, but they do!). It’s also hard to find a safe place or group of people you can talk to and not be told what you should do or how you should feel.

Loss of Trust and Intimacy

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A consequence of adultery is broken trust and loss of intimacy. An entangled affair is always the result of an intimacy deficit in the marital relationship. Part of the lure of the affair for an unfaithful spouse was the opportunity to be himself or herself in his or her own little private world they constructed with another person. They desperately needed that freedom to be themselves, to be accepted and appreciated. They didn’t want to pretend or stay within a certain mold, since it was a brand new world with no rules expect those they chose to create with a new partner. It’s important to identify what was missing in the marital relationship and repair that loss. If you don’t, these issues may show up again and again and again.

Divorce

While cheating doesn’t always end in divorce, it can have a devastating impact. It is probably the most damaging thing that can happen to a marriage. Unfortunately, it is also one of the most common problems a married couple will face. Many men and women participate in extramarital affairs at some point during their married life. It’s the depth of betrayal and emotional pain that often leads to divorce after infidelity. Such negative emotions are hard to put behind you and many people feel there is no way to rebuild trust in the marriage. If you have found yourself in this situation, take heart, your negative emotions will eventually fade and your life will become normal again. If, for that to happen, you need to divorce, then you are among the majority. That is exactly how most people deal with infidelity in their marriages.

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Adultery may mean that you have to start all over again within or outside of the marriage. After years of marriage, discovering the affair can destroy you and who you thought you were. You may be close with family and don’t want to hear anything from them about the situation. Then, friends who had suffered this fate many years before have disappeared which leads you back to feeling isolated again. It feels like everything you’ve worked hard for is destroyed. Even if you choose to stay together, it will never be the same again. The pain gets less intense but the mind never seems to rest. You will have to discover who you are to begin again. Somewhere inside of yourself, you have to find renewed strength to begin to redefine yourself again.