7 Reasons Why You Keep Ending Up in Bad Relationships

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Do you find yourself always dating the “wrong people?” Are you consistently neglected, mistreated, or just plain bored? For many of us, this can feel mystifying, as if our dating lives are cursed. We chalk it up to bad luck, or worse, we feel that we’re simply not worthy of love and affection.

But the bars that imprison us within a cycle of bad relationships are often invisible. They’re made of our own bad habits, insecurities, and self-deceptions, and they keep us locked in relationship misery.

It’s time to break out.

Two things, above all else, will help you do this. The first is the realization that you are in control of your own life. No one else decides your path.

The second? You must get to know yourself. Thoroughly. Before you can have a healthy love life, you have to have a healthy—and close—relationship with yourself. After all, you can’t take control of your own life if you aren’t fully aware of the decisions you make, and why you make them.

Achieve these two feats, and you’ll suddenly find your love life getting better and better. You’ll avoid those who aren’t good for you and start going for the ones who give you joy, peace, passion, and romance on your own terms.

Sound good? If this is the life you want, you need to open your eyes to the reasons behind your choices. To help you do this, let’s take a look at these top 7 reasons why you keep finding yourself in bad relationships.

You Stick to What You Know

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When it comes to love, having a type is one thing, but when your type is “abusive” or “neglectful,” there’s a problem. Unfortunately, many of us seek what’s familiar rather than what’s actually good for us.

There’s a lot of psychological research that shows many people have a tendency to try and validate false perceptions of themselves. This means that, if you feel that you’re dumb, you’ll end up dating people who affirm this. If you think that you deserve punishment, you’ll find people willing to dish it out. This is familiar to you, and in a strange way, almost comforting.

Often, this stems from negative childhood experiences. If you had a parent who screamed at you when you did something wrong, but never praised your good deeds, that’s the kind of attention you grow accustomed to—your view of love and relationships becomes skewed, and you begin to expect this kind of behavior from romantic partners.

Don’t stick to what’s familiar. If you’re stuck in an endless stream of bad relationships, find out what’s actually good for you by dating outside of your norms. Give new and exciting people a chance. You may be surprised at what you actually like.

You're Settling

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It’s the oldest relationship advice in the world: don’t settle. But while this may seem like common sense, many people do it anyway, dooming themselves to mediocre relationships that simply don’t work.

The key here lies in knowing what you actually need, and consciously seeking out partners who are capable of fulfilling those needs. Without this knowledge, you could be settling without even realizing it.

The person who settles doesn’t usually do so consciously. Instead, they just date whoever comes along first. They don’t really think—they just act. This is how you end up in a cycle of bad relationships. But you can break it by taking control of your love life by actively seeking out partners who meet most of your standards.

And if you’re not sure about what your standards are, it’s time to find out. Write down the things that made you unhappy in your last few relationships. Now write down the things that made you happy. Finally, write down the attributes of your dream partner.

From this list, you should be able to begin discerning what your standards are. Stick to them instead of just going out with anyone who comes along, and your dating life will improve dramatically.

You’re Scared of Saying “No”

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“No” is a powerful word. In fact, it may just be the most powerful word in the English language?

So why aren’t you using it?

If you’re like many, saying “no” can make you feel like a villain, like you’re hurting people with your words. You go on a bad date, but when you get asked out again, you don’t say no so as to avoid hurting your partner’s feelings. So you just keep dating this person who makes you unhappy, day after day, week after week. You’re desperately unhappy, but you still can’t say “no.” You feel trapped.

Does this sound familiar?

To break the cycle of bad relationships, start using the power of “no.” Say no to people who don’t make you happy. Say no to people who are unkind to you. Say no to those who don’t respect your boundaries.

Just say no!

Saying no to relationships that don’t bring you peace and joy can give you the opportunity to say yes to the good ones.

You Think You Can Change Your Partner

Fear is the culprit behind so many of the habits that put us in bad relationships—namely, the fear of being forever alone.

In this situation, many people would do, quite literally, anything to avoid this fate, and this intense fear often drives people to push potentially great partners away by coming on too strongly, or, worse, to couple up with terrible partners.

Dating while desperate is always a bad idea—this pushes you to attach yourself to the first person to come along, rather than to the right person. If you’re lonely, consider working on your own life before you venture out into the world dating.

Realize that you don’t need another person to be whole—you’re already complete. Rather than pining away for a lover, work on your fitness, your education, your hobbies, and your dreams. Learn to love yourself, and you’ll never be lonely.

It’s from this place of confidence that you should approach dating. This way, you get to choose who you love rather than being controlled by desperation and fear.

You're Dating While Desperate

Fear is the culprit behind so many of the habits that put us in bad relationships—namely, the fear of being forever alone.

It’s from this place of confidence that you should approach dating. This way, you get to choose who you love, not your desperation.

You’re Looking For Someone to Save You

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Are you the permanent damsel or lad in distress? Are you looking for “the one” to come along and solve all of your problems, lifting you up out of your sea of problems?

If so, that’s not going to work out so well for you. In fact, it’s going to get you into some pretty bad relationships. This attitude invites your partner to control your life and make your decisions for you in order to “correct” your life—a recipe for dating disaster.

The truth is that you have to save yourself before you’re ready for a new relationship—no one can do that for you. Someone else’s version of your perfect life will never make you happy, and distracting yourself from your problems will only put off their resolution.

Instead, see a relationship as a source of joy and healthy interaction rather than an opportunity to drown a partner with your burdens—you’ll be a better partner, and you’ll attract better people.

You Refuse to See a Partner’s Negatives

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Finally, we come to one of the most common enablers of bad relationships—rose colored glasses.

We’ve all heard that “love is blind,” but this isn’t necessarily a good thing. When a relationship is new and love overpowers rationality, your partner’s negative traits can seem insignificant, while his or her positive traits are magnified.

Usually, things even out, and you’re able to take a look at your partner’s positive and negative traits in equal measure, allowing you to determine how suitable this person truly is. But sometimes, the glasses fail to come off due to wishful thinking or the desire to avoid conflict.

Everyone you date is going to have a few negatives, but instead of glossing them over, you need to examine them closely, asking yourself “Will I still be okay with this in a few years?” If you can answer this question honestly, you’ll be in a much better position to either get out of a bad relationship or embrace a great one.