Dating Psychology 101

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Dating is hard—there’s no doubt about that. Looking for love can be embarrassing, confusing, and frustrating.

One of the biggest difficulties lies in simply getting that first date. When you have a serious crush on someone, the stakes are high, and so is the stress. Human beings are incredibly unpredictable—you never know how things are going to go.

Fortunately, there are as few proven psychological tips that can help make things a little easier.

We’re not talking about manipulation or deceit—these are just tried-and-true ways of getting your foot in the door. If the two of you truly aren’t compatible, things still aren’t going to work out.

But if everything aligns, getting that first date can lead to real love. And love, as you may know, is certainly worth both risk and work.

Let’s take a look at 7 psychological tips you can use to persuade your crush to say “yes” to that first date.

Ask a Small Favor

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If you’re wondering how to get your crush to like you, you need look no further than Ben Franklin!

According to legend, Franklin once asked a rival Pennsylvania legislator to lend him a rare book, afterward thanking the legislator profusely. And in Franklin’s own words, “When we next met in the House, he spoke to me (which he had never done before), and with great civility; and he ever after manifested a readiness to serve me on all occasions, so that we became great friends, and our friendship continued to his death.”

This “Franklin Effect” is backed by contemporary research—subjects consistently rate people as more likable when they are asked to do favors for those people. Kindness, it seems, begets further kindness.

So if you’re in a situation where you can occasionally ask your crush for small favors—a borrowed pen, help moving an object, and other such things—do it. As long as you don’t make a pest of yourself, they’ll start seeing you in a more positive light.

Once that happens, you’ll have a much better chance of getting that “yes”.

Mirror Their Body Language

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To ask someone out, you have to establish rapport, and to establish rapport, you need to know how to mirror body language.

So imagine you’re talking to your crush. He or she is smiling and gesturing while speaking. You want to make sure you’re smiling and gesturing, too. You want to make sure that when they do something, you do something similar.

Now, this isn’t some game of copycat. You’re not literally mirroring movements as soon as they’re made. But make sure that you make similar facial expressions and gestures. And don’t stop there. Pay attention to intonation, posture, tone, and talking pace—all of these are important.

If you do this, your crush unconsciously see you as similar to themselves, and this will build a sense of understanding and trust between the two of you.

Be careful, though, that you do not mirror any negative body language—this will just give you a negative vibe, which is the last thing you need.

Up the Danger

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If you happen to already be friends with your crush, this tip is a must if you want to take things to the next level.

Research has shown that people tend to misattribute feelings of fear and anxiety for physical attraction. This is because people sometimes attribute the physical symptoms of these emotions—sweaty palms, rapid heart rate, and things like that—to the wrong environmental factors.

That means if you and your potential date go with a group of friends to see a scary movie, you need to make sure you get into the seat next to him or her. When things get frightening and heart rates go up, they may just start to wonder if they’re attracted to you.

So if you want to get that “yes,” theme parks, tall Ferris wheels, scary movies, and precarious hikes are your friend. This may not guarantee anything, but at the very least, it might just help someone see you in a new, and decidedly attractive light.

Use Their Name

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If you want to get your crush to see you in a more positive light, you need to start using his or her name right now.

Everyone likes to hear their name—it’s a special word that singles them out as individual, rather than just another person in the crowd.

And so if you want to get that “yes,” you’re going to have to use it.

Using someone’s name freely isn’t always easy. For some, it’s a source of anxiety—will you pronounce it wrongly, say it too much, or forget it entirely? But if you can overcome these fears, the rewards are great.

Salespeople are taught to use this psychological trick for a good reason: it disarms people, and gives them a feeling of social warmth.

Take care not to use it too much, though. This can come off as insincere and even creepy. Peppering your crush’s name into a conversation in all the right places, though, is a great recipe for a later date.

Reinforce or Challenge Their Self-Image

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There’s little that’s more important to most people than the image they hold about themselves. If you can figure out how your crush sees and thinks about his or herself—their overall self-image—you can either reinforce it or challenge it in ways that will have them seeing you in a more positive light.

This means that if your crush, for example, feels that they are an intellectual, compliment them on their academic achievements and take verbal note of their wit and intelligence. If you’ve known this person for long enough, talk about the potential you see in them.

Alternatively, if you know that your crush holds a negative self-image, or a positive, but very wrong one, you can challenge these. Being careful to remain respectful, refute the any negativity, or help them see that they are more than they think.

If you’re sincere, this is one of the best ways to win someone over—they’ll appreciate the help in improving the way they think about themselves. All it takes is a little attention on your part.

Use Indirect Suggestion

If you’re really frightened by the idea of asking your crush out, you can always use the power of indirect suggestion.

For this, subtlety is the word of the day—you’re going to ask your crush out without directly asking him or her out. Here’s an example.

You: “What are you up to this Saturday?”

Crush: “I’m going to watch The Hobbit on Netflix.”

You: “That sounds great. I’m going to be marathoning the original Lord of the Rings trilogy. You can stop by if you’d like—maybe you’d like that even better!"

See what you did there? Your crush told you what he or she was doing, and you gently offered a very attractive alternative. It’s not a direct request for a date—you’re simply providing some fun! And if you know your crush well enough to know he or she will love your suggestion much more than their own original plans, all the better. You’ve got them.

Make the Date Their Idea

Finally, we have the psychological tip for those who are completely averse to the idea of asking someone out. We get it. It’s terrifying. It’s horrific. It’s the worst thing ever.

So in this case, you’re going to get your crush to ask themselves out for you. Genius, isn’t it?

To get someone to think your request for a date was their idea in the first place, take a look at this example.

You: “Do you know any good theme parks in the area?”

Crush: “Oh, yes! I love Busch Gardens. It’s just down the road in Williamsburg. I really miss going and should visit soon, now that you mention it.”

You: “You know, that’s a great suggestion! Since you love it so much, maybe we could go this weekend.”

Boom. You just got yourself a date, and in this case, you even combined it with a little danger to up the attraction. And best of all, since the suggestion belongs to your crush, you risked relatively little.

Now go enjoy some rides.