How to Transform a Lackluster Dating Life

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Does your dating life feel like it’s in a downward spiral? Are you going out on date after date, but just can’t quite seem to connect with anyone? While you might be tempted to blame our superficial, app-using, shortened-attention-span culture, the problem is likely a little closer to home, bound up in the one thing that’s always the same in all of your failed dates.

That thing is you.

There’s magic in accepting this fact. Once you do, you become teachable, and you’re suddenly able to transform yourself from frog to prince in the eyes of the right potential love interests. This transformation isn’t easy—it takes one part work and three parts humility to realize the ways in which you’re sabotaging your own dating life, and then to actively work toward changing these bad habits.

But once you do, you’ll find that love isn’t quite as fleeting as it used to be. You’ll be better able to seek the right kinds of people for you, and when you find them, you’ll be able to deeply connect with them.

And that’s how you find true love.

So, to help you succeed, let’s take a look at 6 ways you can transform a lackluster dating life into something special.

Open Up

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First things first—if you want a great dating life, you’re going to have to make yourself vulnerable. It’s the only way to truly connect to another human being.

One of the biggest obstacles in the dating world lies in the emotional barriers we put up. These barriers are the mental walls that keep you from opening communicating with others, and most commonly take the form of hiding your true self, refusing to express your emotions, or pessimism. In essence, these behaviors hide who you really are.

These barriers not only keep you from communicating effectively, but are also the reason you keep ending up with the wrong people. If you hide your true personality behind a more presentable—in your own mind—mask, you’ll end up with people who love your mask rather than you. This is the source of many mismatched relationships.

Instead of changing your personality for a date, try openly being yourself. It’s scary. It’s vulnerable. But it will also attract the right people and allow you to open up and communicate with them.

Make yourself vulnerable, and you’ll notice your dating life improving. It might take some time, but the process is well worth it.

Transition Beyond Smalltalk

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Ever had one of those dates that just bored you to tears? Are most of your dates like that? The problem may not be that you’re finding dull people—you could be unconsciously steering the conversation into dullness.

One of the biggest mistakes people make on their first few dates is delving into the dull, dark depths of smalltalk and then never leaving. This leaves a potential couple in a no-man’s-land of conversation, gaining little insight into one another, and—let’s be honest—having no fun at all.

Just about every first date—or second, or third—is going to start with smalltalk, but the trick is to move past it as quickly as possible. If you don’t, you’ll end up talking about stuff you don’t care about and miss the opportunity to get to know one another. In this situation, you and your date might have the greatest potential in the world, but you’ll part ways feeling like the date was a failure.

So, after a few moments of talking about the weather, break your conversation out of autopilot with one powerful word—“why.”

Instead of asking your date if they like their job, ask why they like their job. Ask them what made them decide to this area. Make them think about the answer so that they become engaged in the conversation.

Move past the smalltalk, create engagement, and you’ve likely got yourself a successful date.

Get Physical, but at the Right Time

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Many studies show that if you’re looking for the best kind of romantic connection, delaying sex is key. While this sounds like a recipe for a boring love life, it actually results in a much stronger, more satisfying relationship.

So, why does passionately rushing to the bedroom early on in a relationship hurt your ability to bond with your date?

To put it simply, many of us allow sex to take the place of cultivating closeness, security, and communication. If you find yourself stuck in a series of intense, but short-lived relationships, this is probably why.

So why not take things a little slower? Figure out how well you relate to your date, what their real character is, and how well you truly fit together. If you’re relying on the sparks of physical passion to sustain your dating life, you’re putting these types of connection off until later, and that’s never a good idea.

If you’re not compatible, you want to know sooner rather than later, so wait a little while—at least a few weeks—before adding sex into the mix.

Accept Unsolvable Problems

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One of the central tenets of Buddhism lies in striving to see the world as it really is, and to accept it as such. In doing so, you can greatly reduce your own suffering. If you want the best dating life possible, you’re going to need to look at relationships in much the same way.

Every relationship will have unsolvable problems, also known as perpetual problems. These will be based on the fundamental differences between all human beings, and all couples have them. They arise when your partner doesn’t meet one or more of your internal requirements.

The problem comes when we have unrealistic expectations about our dating life. Too often, we go out looking for “the one,” that one person who will tick every box on our love-list.

If you remember nothing else, remember this: that person does not exist.

So, instead of dropping every potential love interest when these unsolvable issues arise, why not practice the art of letting go? If you find someone who is otherwise a wonderful fit, discuss these problems with humor and levity rather than avoidance or criticism. If the other person isn’t willing to change this part of themselves, realize that this is simply who they are.

If they’re worth it, realize that the relationship is more important than your requirements, and let go. You’ll soon find that your dating life takes on a new depth.

Become an Active Listener

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If there’s one thing all human beings want in another person, it’s to be heard.

Most people think that they’re great listeners, but, in actuality, are terrible at really hearing and processing what other people say. This leads to a lot of dates that never make it past the first coffee outing.

To transform your dating life, you need to go past passive hearing, and into active listening.

The secret to active listening lies in quieting your inner voice while your date is talking. Don’t mentally prepare what you have to say and then blurt it out as soon as they take a breath. Instead, focus your mental energy on processing what they have to say.

While listening, give verbal and non-verbal clues that you’re hearing what the speaker has to say. Smile, nod your head, and say uh-huh. Face toward the speaker, and refrain from distracting movements like picking your nails or—especially—going through your phone. Above all, do not interrupt the speaker, and allow them time to think, take a breath, or pause.

When the speaker is done, ask for clarification, if needed, and respond with sincerity to what they’ve just said.

Active listening takes a lot of concentration to work, but don’t give up. This is one of the most important skills you’ll ever learn, and will change your dating life for the better.

Pursue Common Goals

When your relationship starts getting a little more serious—and it will, if you’ve been following these steps—there will come a time when you need to move from conversation to action. By now, you and your date know one another pretty well. You’ve grown closer, and you know one another’s dreams and ambitions.

It’s time to start pursuing them. Together.

This is a great way to make the leap from simple dating to long-term relationship. Figure out which dreams the two of you share, whether that be the desire for further education, creative endeavors, or the pursuit of a simpler life, and then start working together to make these things happen. Encourage one another, exchange ideas and information, and be there to comfort and push when things get hard.

Do this, and not only will you be more likely to achieve your goals, but you’ll grow closer to your date than ever before. Shared actions mean a shared life, and a shared life is a thing of romantic beauty.