6 Ways to Help a Friend Who Has Lost a Loved One

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When someone you care about is grieving, it is your duty as a friend to be there for them. You need to offer a shoulder to cry on, a helping hand, a kind word, anything and everything they need to help them handle their pain and loss. You know that what they are going through is difficult beyond belief. Unfortunately, it is not always easy to know what to do for or say to a person who is mourning the loss of a loved one. Well-meaning words of comfort come out sounding like empty platitudes. Attempts at helpful gestures can fall flat or make your friend burst into renewed tears. Almost everyone is bewildered and lost when it comes to dealing with death in any capacity, but being helpless in the face of a friend’s loss makes things even worse. You have a duty to help, but you do not know how.

Avoid “At Least...”

When you lose someone important to you, the last thing you want is for someone to try and “fix” you or the situation. There is no fixing it. No one can bring the dead back to life, and that is really the only thing that will stop a person from needing to grieve. You may be trying to lift your friend’s spirits or help them out of the initial crushing sense of loss, but they likely feel as if you are dismissing their pain. The worst way to give that impression is to use well-meaning statements that start with “at least.” People offer such comments as a way of mitigating some of a person’s pain or to try and find some small bit of light in the darkness. You have probably said one yourself. “At least he wasn’t in pain.” “At least she lived a long life.” “At least he wasn’t alone at the end.” “At least she is no longer suffering.” These are all common attempts at giving comfort, but they tend to only make things worse. If you want to comfort your friend, offer them your shoulder to cry on, not attempts to create a silver lining for a tragedy.

Offer to Go With Them

Sometimes the mundane, dry, logistical aspects of death are even harder for people to handle than the initial loss. When you first find that someone you love has died, you are able to rage, cry, scream or collapse in shock. No one is surprised by it. You are emotional and can give voice to your pain or at least try to do so. The bureaucratic aspects of death, however, are cold, impersonal and leave people numb. Offer to go with your friend to lend moral support when they are taking care of such things. Let them know you are willing to go with them when they sign the death certificate if they want you there. Tell them you would like to pay your respects at the funeral, wake, viewing or whatever method they are using to lay their loved one to rest. If need be, go with them when they speak to the funeral director or sit with them when they make calls to churches or undertakers to make funeral arrangements. As they deal with the cold logistics of death, show them that there are people who care about their continued grief.

Offer to Exchange Stories

Grief is the farthest possible thing from one size fits all. Some people rage. Some people cry. Some people essentially become numb. Some people want to talk about the one that they loved and lost. They want to focus on the good times and keep the dead person’s name and memory alive as long as possible. They find speaking of those they lost cathartic. Others cannot bear to think about or discuss the person they lost. Merely hearing the dead person’s name is enough to make them burst into tears. Most people have no idea which category they will fall into until they have lost someone they loved. As such, ask your friend if they want to talk about the person they lost. If they want to share stories, they will be grateful to have someone to sit with and speak to about their loved one. If they cannot stand to discuss their lost loved one so soon, they will at least know you cared enough to ask, and you will know not to bring up the dead person anytime soon.

Extend Your Assistance

When someone loses a person they love, they may find that daily life can become a challenge in the aftermath. This could be for a variety of reasons. If the person they loved always cooked, they may find that they struggle to make dinner for themselves either because they are woefully out of practice or because the sight of a saucepan sends them reeling with grief. Grief and loss also make people numb. They may honestly not have the energy to go to the grocery store. They might also not be able to make themselves clean up the last room the dead loved one lived in especially if the death was sudden or unexpected.

Offer to help in whatever way you can. If they are struggling with feeding themselves, bring over easily reheated meals or freezer-safe meals that they can store. For those that cannot enter a certain room, let them know you would be happy to clean it if they want. In the case of the sudden death of a spouse, they may simply not want to be alone at night. Offer to either stay over or let your friend spend a couple nights at your home while they gather their courage to face a now-silent house. Make sure you follow through with whatever you offer without complaining. The last thing your friend needs to feel is guilt for asking something of you that you hate when they are already drowning in grief.

Do Not Disappear

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In the immediate aftermath of death, people tend to rush to offer their condolences. After a few weeks, however, most people move on to the next thing that commands their attention. The person who lost a loved one, however, is still buried in grief. Many people start drifting away from a grieving friend after about a month, but at that point, the person who is in mourning is as vulnerable as ever. In fact, it is likely just starting to really sink in that their loved one is gone, forever. All of the implications of that fact are beginning to hit home. They need friends and comfort as much at that point as they did in the immediate aftermath of the death. Make sure you continue to reach out and to offer comfort even after the initial rush of grief and condolences. Your friend’s grief will not disappear in a few short weeks, so be sure that your support does not evaporate prematurely either.

Remember Holidays and Anniversaries

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Anyone who has ever lost a loved one knows that some of the most difficult days to get through are the first round of holidays and anniversaries after the loved one’s death. Holidays that should be expressions of joy and times of thanksgiving are instead marked by who is missing. People struggle to think beyond the things they will never do with their loved ones again. It can be easy to forget about those who will be dealing with a renewed surge of grief when you are in the middle of your own holiday preparations especially if the initial death happened months ago. That said, take some time to reach out to your friend and be there for them while they are dealing with a new wave of grief. This is true not just for large cultural holidays such as Christmas or Thanksgiving, but also for days that are more personally important to your friend such as a wedding anniversary of their loved one’s birthday or death day.

Watching a friend mourn is awful, and even worse is when you have no idea how to help them cope with their tragedy. Death is never easy to deal with, and many people are concerned that all they will do is make things worse despite having the best intentions. There are certainly ways to put your foot in your mouth when you are trying to comfort a friend, but the most important thing to do is to be there for your friend. It is better to be fumbling and struggling to find the right words at your friend’s side, than to have the perfect thing to say but be too far away for the words to mean anything. When it comes to grief, simply showing your friend they are not alone is the most important thing. So be there for them, even if you trip over your tongue.