5 Benefits That Come with Waiting Over Settling by Shellie Warren l Relationship Advice l Relationship Tips l How to Settle a Relationship l Relationship Compromise

As a marriage life coach, sadly, I must admit that I have seen quite a few examples of people who settled when it came to who they chose to be their life partner. Some got married because they were scared that they wouldn’t get another opportunity than the one who was before them at the time. Some got married because they were scared that their clock was ticking. Some got married because they were scared that they would end up alone.

And do you know one thing that all of those motives have in common? Fear.

Recently, I read an article about a woman who has a rare disorder. It’s called Urbach-Wiethe syndrome and the people with it literally do not know what fear feels like. The piece was talking about all of the risks that come with not being afraid. However, I thought about it from the perspective of two Scriptures. One is 2 Timothy 1:7(NKJV): “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.” The other is I John 4:18(NKJV): “There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love.”

Wouldn’t relationships be amazing if fear wasn’t our motive for getting into them in the first place?

Fear

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It’s the well-known writer Maureen Dowd who once said my absolute favorite thing about settling: “The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for.” When it comes to matters of the heart, far too many people settle, all the while forgetting that fear, even in relationships, does bring forth a certain amount of torment. If not “mental suffering” than “extreme worrying”---more than anything when it comes to wondering if you made the right decision.

Ask a lot of divorced people and they will tell you that being in a relationship will not automatically make you happy and having a spouse doesn’t automatically bring bliss. You need a lot more to go and grow on than that.

I know. That might be hard to believe now. But hopefully by the end of this article, you’ll at least entertain why “waiting for the one (who is truly right for you)” is far better than settling for the one (who is right next to you---relatively speaking)”.

Waiting Teaches You How to Love Yourself

There’s a woman I know who is basically a relationship addict. I say that because when one relationship ends, she’s always looking for another to get into. Not only that but when a man tells her he’s not interested, she basically breaks her neck to change his mind. Relationships are not supposed to be humiliating. They are supposed to be life-affirming. It’s hard to see that when you’re spending more time trying to get someone to love you rather than taking out time to love yourself. Take it from me, if you are not able to feel loved without having someone call you every day or send you Hallmark cards and flowers, your expectations are unrealistic. How is someone supposed to make you feel what you don’t even feel for yourself? Waiting is not about sitting around doing nothing. Waiting is about embracing your time as a single individual to figure out who you are, what you want out of life and also celebrating the things that make you distinctly you. So when that person does come along, they are, as one ex told me---confirming, not revealing, great things about yourself.

Waiting Helps You to Set Standards

When people tell me that they are getting married, it’s not unusual for me to reply with “Why?” instead of “Congrats!” I do that because a lot of times, folks don’t really have specific reasons other than “I love them.” Love is awesome. It’s the foundation for strong relationships. But when you’re seeking the kind of relationship that will lead to a life-long commitment, you need a lot more than love. You need a lot of respect. You need a ton of like (friendship is paramount to a relationship’s success). You also need common values and a willingness to help one another reach their goals. When all you can say is “I don’t want to be by myself” as the reason for wanting to be in a relationship, your bar is pretty low and you oftentimes end up with someone who isn’t the best for you. Taking out time to wait rather than rush helps you to set some real standards---so that when the real right one comes your way, you’ll know it.

Waiting Helps You to Focus on Other Things

If you want to be in a relationship, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. But surely that’s not the only aspiration that you have. If it is, no wonder you are miserable! For every day that a person spends pining, it’s one that they could spend planning. Where do you want to see your career in five years? What country do you want to visit that you’ve never been to before? What’s on your bucket list? What hobby would you like to take on? What food would you like to taste or recipe would you like to make? In short, what do you want to do with your life? Exclusively of anyone else? One mistake that a lot of people make is they are so consumed by wanting to be with someone that they don’t realize that “their someone” is waiting for them…at the museum they’ve never been to, city they’ve never visited or concert they were to “scared” to go by themselves. If you want a fun and ambitious person (for instance), there’s a greater chance that you’re going to run into them by you being that exact same way!

Waiting Gives You and “Them” Time to Grow

Sometimes having a great relationship is not about meeting the right person. It’s about meeting them at the right time. It reminds me of a quote that I read once: “You will never be good enough for someone who isn’t ready for you.” Someone should pass the offering plate on that pearl of wisdom, for sure! If you’re rushing someone, if you’re throwing out ultimatums (ultimatums are threats, by definition), if you’re pressuring them (who wants to be pressured?!?) these are blaring red flags pointing to the fact that they are possibly not the right one. Either way, it’s definitely not the right time. A theater definition of wait is “the time between two acts, scenes, or the like”. Picking fruit before its ripe means it won’t be as sweet. Trying to take a relationship to the next level before both people are ready brings forth a similar resolve. You don’t want someone to say “Oh, alright.” You want someone to say, what I once read the actor Mark Ruffalo say: “I ran to my marriage. I was happily ready to take on marriage.” The first response comes as the result of settling. The second is the result of waiting. Waiting until he was mature enough for a serious commitment.

Waiting Removes Fear

I am fully convinced that settling comes from fear and you really can’t trust your judgment when fear is your motivator. Fear tells you “Do it now!” Waiting says “Wait for what’s best”. And here’s what we all should keep in mind: waiting and settling are both conscious choices. Therefore, if you choose to settle, you’re declaring that you’d rather have what’s right before you knowing that it’s not totally want you desire. If you choose to wait, you’re declaring that you’re going to use this time to do what waiting does: make one “ready” as one “looks forward to” what is to come. Settling may give you something right now, but usually it’s not what you thought you wanted. Waiting takes time, but you know what they say: “Good things come to those who wait.” Truly, it’s a crap shoot for those who settle. Waiting is not easy. Yet take heart. Waiting is rewarding. It beats settling any day of the week. Wait and see.