Signs of a Toxic Relationship

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Toxic relationships usually creep in and take hold without warning. The reason they can be so hard to spot is most toxic relationships don’t starts out toxic. Things probably started out great, as most relationships do. The chemistry is strong, you talk for hours, you’re excited about all the possibilities. Slowly and subtly, things may start to change. Maybe you see it, maybe you don’t And when you do, you try to rationalize it away, you tried to hold onto the way things were in the beginning, all that passion, all the potential, you don’t want to admit defeat.

In time you may not even recognize yourself anymore. While you were once a happy, confident, stable person, now you are an insecure, miserable, emotional mess. You feel miserable in your relationship but you stay, thinking you’ll be even more miserable out of the relationship. It eats away at you until you become a shell of your former self. Eventually it ends and you are utterly devastated and broken. It’s not necessarily because you’re sad to see him go, or you miss the relationship, it’s because you sold yourself out and you lost a big piece of yourself. It can take many months, or even years, to mend.

The end of a toxic relationship can almost feel like the worst hangover of your life. You wonder what happened, where did it go wrong, how did you let yourself go this far and why weren’t you able to stop?

The best thing you can do is arm yourself with knowledge so you will be able to extricate yourself from an unhealthy situation. Here are the biggest signs that you are in a toxic relationship.

Nothing is ever his fault.

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This is also one of the greatest indicators that you’re dating a narcissist. Emotionally healthy people take responsibility. They can recognize when they’ve done something wrong and are accountable for their actions. Yes, most of the time people reflexively justify their behavior because no one really wants to admit to being the “bad guy” in a situation, but overall, people can recognize when they have hurt someone else, and most will feel remorse and apologize.

In order to have a healthy relationship, both people must be able to admit when they are wrong, because usually both people are at fault to varying degrees. Seeing things in black and white is a toxic practice. No one is all good or all bad. People don’t always do things, or never do things. One person isn’t 100 percent to blame in an argument. This just isn’t the way relationships work. If he won’t own up to anything and turns everything around on you, then he is a toxic person and you are in a toxic relationship.

He puts you down.

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He insults you, he’s condescending, he mocks you, he exploits your weaknesses. And pretty much anything you tell him in moments of vulnerability can and will be used against you.

We all have flaws and a relationship can foster a lot of personal growth, but there is a difference between saying something from a place of love and compassion and saying something out of spite in a cruel way.

A major red flag to watch out for is criticism, especially criticism that comes from a place of spire and wanting to hurt you for the sake of hurting you. This isn’t the same as constructive criticism, which comes from a place of care and compassion and a sincere desire to want to help the other person be their best self.

Take an honest look at where the criticism is coming from: is it from a place of love and wanting you to be your best self, or from a place of contempt and wanting to control you?

You fight dirty.

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All couples fight, even the happiest ones. Arguments are inevitable and they can be healthy, in fact. When done right, arguments can even bring you closer by serving as a vehicle to resolve a lingering issue, ultimately making you even stronger as a couple.

In a healthy relationship, the aim is to resolve the issue. Both people are on the same team, it’s them against the issue. In a toxic relationship, the other person is the enemy and they fight to win. They use fights as an opportunity to tear their partner down and make them feel as bad as possible. Nothing is off limits and no insult goes too far. An argument is a chance to set their anger free, and there is plenty of it to go around!

Fighting dirty is a sign that the level of resentment in the relationship is at capacity. Both people feel an enormous amount of contempt, anger, and disgust, all of which add fuel to the already poisonous fire.

He won’t work on it.

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Relationships take work. It’s not always fun or pretty, but it’s necessary. A relationship can’t remain stagnant, it needs to be nurtured and tended to otherwise it will either wither away or, in the case of toxic relationships, implode.

A toxic person usually can’t take responsibility and sees everyone else as the problem. He thinks if you’re unhappy, then it’s your fault and your problem and there’s nothing he can do about it. The most important quality a man can have is a willingness to do whatever it takes to work on the relationship. The recipe for an amazing relationship calls for two people who are committed to making it work. If you don’t have that, you won’t have anything.

If he refuses to change or to meet you in the middle, then there is nothing that can be done to salvage this situation and you need to move on.

He guilt’s you.

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Common feelings people in toxic relationships experience is a lingering sense of guilt and shame. Toxic people are great at loading on the guilt. They make you feel guilty about everything, even when he can’t give you what you want. It’s not his problem, you’re the one with the problem and that has nothing to do with him. If you’re unhappy, it’s because you’re ungrateful, not because he is a less than ideal romantic partner. If you have certain needs that aren’t being met, that’s because you are unrealistic and needy and again, has nothing to do with him.

He may demand that everything run on his timetable. If you’re unavailable when he wants to see you then he makes you feel bad about it. But if he’s unavailable when you want to hang out, then he makes you feel guilty for being too demanding. Basically, you can’t ever win and guilt will become a permanent resident within your being.

You feel like you’re walking on egg shells.

In a toxic relationship, you can’t truly be yourself. There is no sense of calm or ease. You can’t just be. Instead, you tiptoe around him like you’re walking through a minefield. One wrong move and it will all explode into chaos.

You can’t speak freely. Instead, you feel like you need to think twice before you speak and certain topics are strictly off limits. He’s a loose cannon and you don’t ever know how he’ll react to things, so you hold back and remain silent, because that’s really your best option.

You can’t relax. You can’t be yourself. Instead, you’re always on alert, always ready to react, always on guard for another vicious fight, another explosion, another round in the toxic fighting ring. There is never a feeling of ease and pleasure. Things always feel tense and unsteady. You’re always holding your breath, waiting for the proverbial other shoe to drop.

You’re not yourself.

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A toxic relationship slowly poisons you over time, killing the person you once were and forming someone else entirely in her place.

You may wake up one day and realize you don’t recognize this strange, sad creature. Who is this shell of a person? What happened to the life and love and vibrancy that were once there?

You don’t love yourself; you don’t even like yourself. You feel drained, insecure, anxious, and utterly miserable. Change happens in relationships; people grow and evolve over time. In a healthy relationship, this change is usually for the better. A healthy relationship encourages you to grow and get beyond your limitations. You discover hidden parts of yourself that previously untouched.

In an unhealthy relationship, you usually change for the worse and devolve into someone you barely recognize. The good parts of your get buried somewhere deep into the depths while your bad qualities are brought straight up to the surface and shine bright for all to see.

You may not fully notice the change, probably because you don’t want to admit it, but the people closest to you certainly will. Don’t tune them out.

The idea of him breaking up with you destroys you.

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Do you walk around terrified of losing him? Does he hold the threat of breaking up with you over your head, as if you’re his pet? Do you feel like you are at his mercy, as if he has all the control while you are silently suffering and falling apart inside?

These are all signs that you are in a toxic relationship. This kind of mentality leads you down a dark path in life because you spend your time and energy trying to figure out how to “keep” and obtain the love of someone who is consistently hurting you. He might even emotionally abuse you but it’s become normalized in your mind; rather than view him for who he is you idealize him and the vision of who he could be.

Think about your overall spiritual and mental well being and what a detrimental impact this kind of mentality and way of living has on it. You can’t evolve and reach your potential when you are living for another person and allowing him to set your value as a human being.

You isolate yourself with him.

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Isolation in this case doesn’t just mean that you spend all your time with him and make him a priority above everyone else…it also means you emotionally detach yourself from all things you once found important and significant. For example, you do not value your relationship with your parents anymore. You react fiercely if anyone criticizes your loved one, as if you are protecting a sacred bond you have and cannot bear to break.

Yes, if you are in a relationship with someone it should be based on a sacred bond you share—this is what marriage basically is—and if you are looking to marry this person, you should really make sure that your bond is “sacred.” However, there is a difference between sacred and destructive.

Do not make excuses for your behavior by saying that anyone who doubts and even criticizes your love simply does not understand it—listen to those who express concern and do not isolate yourself (both mentally and physically) or you will lose yourself and start forgetting who you are.

You feel silenced.

Rather than feeling comfortable saying how you feel and being able to speak your mind without fear of rejection, you walk on eggshells desperate to please him with everything you say and do.

You might even be afraid of saying what you think because you know it will make him yell or blame you for everything that goes wrong in your relationship. This mentality simply does not lead to personal happiness. You cannot have a happy relationship without having internal happiness.

Being OK on your own is the recipe to ultimately having a happy relationship. Trust yourself and your inherent value as a person and have faith that you will get the relationship you deserve. Realize you are never alone when you speak to the creator of the universe and trust that He will guide you in the right direction.

The fear of being alone is at the core of why you feel like you will be broken if you do not keep his love. You walk on eggshells because your subconscious motivation is to make sure he stays with you.

Toxic relationships can have devastating consequences. The price gets higher the longer you remain in the situation, that’s one very important thing to consider. Be honest with yourself. If this article hit a little too close to home, if you felt like you were looking in a mirror, like maybe you were even the inspiration behind this article somehow, then you are in a toxic relationship. Admitting it is the first step. Next, you need to decode if it can be salvaged or if too much damage has been done and you need to just escape this burning building.

Can a toxic relationship be repaired? Yes, it is possible but it certainly doesn’t happen overnight. It takes time, and a lot of inner work. And above all, it takes commitment from both people. Each person in the relationship needs to be dedicated to making it work, it can’t come from one side. If you have that, then there is a chance. If not, then it may be time to move on.