How You Know When to Call it Quits

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Even if you know when to call it quits, letting go of a relationship can be difficult. You don’t want to walk away from what used to be a good thing. You remember the best parts of the relationship and explain away the bad. You ignore the problems or convince yourself that you can fix them. You have a dozen excuses ready for both yourself and your friends as to why you don’t want to talk about your significant other anymore. You also have a thousand reasons why you’re staying in the relationship despite how everyone can see that your girlfriend is driving you crazy.

It’s natural to have second thoughts about leaving a relationship. You’ve invested time, energy and money into making this work. You don’t want to let that go to waste if the relationship can be salvaged, but what if it can’t?

The sad fact is, though, that you can’t always fix those problems. Sometimes, people just need to go their separate ways. So, how do you tell when that is the case or if you are just really tired of your boyfriend leaving his dirty socks all over the apartment floor?

The “deal-breakers” are different for every person. The straw that breaks the camel’s back could be something as extreme as an affair or something as small as the fact that you never see him since he’s started working the night shift. You will have to decide for yourself if your relationship is past saving, but here are six signs to help you know when to call it quits.

Mutually Exclusive Goals

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It’s unlikely you will ever find a significant other who shares every one of your hopes and dreams, including the brand of coffee machine you want in the kitchen of your perfect lake-side cottage. It’s important to agree on the big goals though, or at least make sure they are compatible.

Flexibility and compromise are an essential part of every relationship, but there are some things that can’t be compromised. The classic example is children vs. career. If his dream is to have the two of you to settle down in the suburbs and raise three kids, but you’ve always wanted to work at a job that has you flying to six cities in seven days, you’re going to find it hard to make both those dreams work. Similarly, if her life goal is to own a farm, but you can’t deal with a city smaller than Savannah, you may run into problems.

It’s important to be honest with yourself about the things that can’t be compromised. If you aren’t comfortable moving across the country to follow your significant other, you need to admit that to yourself. Don’t sacrifice what you’ve always dreamed of in the name of compromise. You’ll end up resenting the other person.

Broken Trust

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Trust is the bedrock of any relationship. When the trust is gone, the relationship is over. It may have been something as dramatic as an affair or as seemingly harmless as him sharing your secret with his friend. He wasn’t purposefully trying to hurt you, but the damage is done.

It’s easy to say “forgive and forget,” but the relationship can’t move forward if you are forever waiting for the next shoe to drop. When trust is broken, it’s time to take a long, serious look at the relationship. Was this the first time she invaded your privacy? When you confronted him about his lie, how did he react? Relationships can recover from even horrible breaches of trust, but both sides have to be willing to mend the bridge. If your significant other has lost your trust, you need to be very honest with yourself. While it may seem unforgiving, if you don’t think your significant other can regain your trust, it’s time to walk away.

Value Differences

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If you and your significant other have serious value differences, it’s probably best to call it quits and find someone more compatible with you. No one wants to compromise their values for a relationship and no significant other worth your time will ask you to.

Given how important our values are, it can be easy to assume that those close to you have those same values. As such, it can take a surprisingly long time to realize that you don’t value the same things that she does. It may be important to you to honor your ancestor’s culture, but she couldn’t care less about passing on family traditions. Religion and faith are central to your life, yet he hasn’t gone to church since he was five.

Those sorts of fundamental differences take a swift toll on a relationship, and the longer they are ignored, the more likely they are to become a problem. When your values are at stake, it’s best to just cut your losses and move on.

Unmentioned Unacceptables

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Everyone wants the first date to go smoothly. You don’t want to scare him away with stories about your crazy ex-boyfriend or ruin her night by panicking over how you can’t make your car payments. You figure you can explain it later or think you can make her understand when the relationship is more established.

Those unexpected confessions, however, can pull the rug out from anyone’s feet. Large debts, former marriages, a checkered past or a controlling parent are some of the more common examples of unpleasant surprises in your significant other’s past that can destroy a relationship. As difficult as it may be, it’s better for everyone when such issues are discussed up front, especially issues such as disease or addiction that may affect the health of the other person in the relationship. If your significant other suddenly springs something on you, or you realize you’re dealing with more than you signed up for, it’s time to call it quits.

It Feels Superficial

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Most people keep it light on the first few dates. There’s nothing wrong with using those early times to learn about each other’s likes and interests. If she’s into mechanics, by all means, ask her about the car she’s fixing up. If he loves to hike, get him talking about the fall colors. Surface conversations are fine in the beginning. The problem comes when you’ve been dating for six months and you’re still stuck discussing TV shows and funny cat videos every time you go to dinner.

It takes a combination of courage and interest to push things to the next level. Letting your walls down is uncomfortable, but it has to happen if the relationship is going to progress. If you don’t have any interest in getting to know her beyond the bands she likes, that’s fine. Stay casual acquaintances but put an end to the romantic relationship. By the same token, if you’ve laid some of your cards on the table, but he refuses to reciprocate, you’re stuck in a superficial relationship, and it’s time to leave it behind.

Endless Drama

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When you start feeling like you’re living in a soap opera, it’s time to call it quits. If there is always a crisis, your significant other is seeking the sort of undivided attention he is unlikely to find in any healthy relationship.

That’s not to say there won’t be real and serious issues that come up. It’s not a cry for more attention if she loses her job, and you’re both wondering how you’re going to pay the rent. His mother’s illness isn’t something he is blowing out of proportion. Beyond the obvious crises, there are going to be things that are more important to your significant other than to you. You may think he’s crazy for being so upset that his phone died, or you may roll your eyes at how mad she is that her favorite restaurant closed. This is normal as long as it doesn’t consume your lives.

When he sulks for three days because of a flat tire, or she keeps wailing that her best friend hates her because of a missed phone call, there’s a problem. Use your judgement to decide when the inevitable ups and downs of life cross into melodrama. When you reach the stage that you swear your life belongs on mid-afternoon TV, you know it’s time to walk away.