6 Reasons Christian Marriages Fail

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“To death do us part” is perhaps the most famous line of a Christian wedding. Unfortunately, that is not a vow that spouses always keep. Christian marriages, like any other demographic, fall apart. Christian spouses separate or divorce just like their Jewish, Buddhist and Atheist counterparts. Sometimes the end of the marriage is amiable. Other times it is a bitterly long, drag-out, knock-down fight that is still referenced at Thanksgiving five years later. Regardless of how it ends, the marriage is over.

The reasons that Christian marriages fail are much the same reasons that a Buddhist couple, an agnostic couple or an interfaith couple might end up separating. The strength of a marriage is not based on what faith the spouses practice but is founded on how the spouses interact with each other. That said, a religious couple might find themselves feeling more determined to keep the marriage afloat due to the spiritual element common in so many marriage ceremonies and vows.

What destroys a marriage then? If there were a single perfect answer to that, marriage counselors everywhere would be out of a job. There are, however, common issues that lead to long-lasting or unsolvable problems in marriages. Here are six reasons Christian marriages fail.

Cheating

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This is the big one, and Christians everywhere are split over whether a betrayed wife should forgive her husband or kick him to the curb. Some people think they fall on one side of the issue only to change their minds when it is their wife that has been unfaithful.

Despite the normalization of affairs in the media, infidelity is nothing less than a complete betrayal of a person’s spouse. Trust is eradicated the moment the affair is revealed, and plenty of people decide not to give a liar a second chance. Even with a number of people wanting to “forgive and forget,” nothing will destroy a marriage faster than an affair. Overnight, a person can go from loving and trusting their spouse to heartbroken and questioning everything they ever knew. Even those who do eventually manage to save their marriage face serious struggles to get to a place of trust between spouses once again.

Communication Breakdown

Good communication is the foundation for any relationship from friendship to marriage. When that communication goes out the window, the relationship starts to fall apart. That fact is no less true in a marriage than in a casual friendship. It is very hard to spend time with a person when they refuse to communicate.

Communication is more essential in marriage than any other relationship. Marriage involves joint finances, sharing a living space, making another person the first priority and agreeing on a plan for the future. These are all impossible to do unless the spouses communicate with each other. If there are children involved, honest discussions are even more important. It is difficult to agree on child-rearing basics such as discipline, division of responsibility between the spouses, chores for the child and education without having long and serious talks. A relationship cannot survive without communication any more than an airplane can fly without engines.

Old Lies

Unlike an affair or a breakdown in communication, this problem begins before a couple ties the knot. The issue may even have begun on the spouse’s first date. Most people want to keep the first few dates light. They want to discuss food, movies and maybe career plans. They do not want to get into the details of how their ex-girlfriend is stalking them or how their brother is forever begging money off members of the family. Most people put off talking about such unpleasant topics for as long as they can. Some people like to think that if they never mention it, those problems will disappear. Instead, those old issues can cause new damage if a spouse finds out about them after the wedding. No one wants to be on their honeymoon and find out that the crazy ex-girlfriend followed them to Cancun or to get a phone call from a brother who needs money a week after the couple’s first child is born. Honesty is always the best, especially when the buried secrets could crack the marriage wide open. After all, no secret can be kept forever.

Value Differences

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These can be a lie that goes unmentioned, but more often value differences are the sort of thing that a couple is convinced they can work around. A couple in love may convince themselves that they can make their relationship work only to find the differences insurmountable later in life. This is especially true if a couple decides to have children. When the spouses have very different values, they must agree on which values the child will be taught. Will they follow the mother’s deep seated faith or the father’s open skepticism? Will they see gay marriage as acceptable or feel that marriage should remain between a man and a woman? The value differences do not have to be issues that are played out on the political stage either. It could be something as basic as forgiveness. If one parent favors “an eye for an eye” and the other prefers “turn the other cheek,” the household dynamics could get very complicated very quickly.

Altered Ambition

People change their minds over time. This is normal and natural, and it can be a big problem in a marriage. Spouses have to plan out their futures together, and most people are sensible enough to avoid marrying someone who wants a completely different life than they desire. It is hard to make a long-term plan work when one person dreams of settling down on a farm and the other wants to move from big city to big city. When ambitions are wildly different, long-term plans are all but impossible to make. Which dream does the couple work toward? Do they set down deep roots in the community or do they keep things superficial because they are leaving soon? Each person’s dreams matter, and when those dreams change, it can cause problems in the marriage. If both people always wanted children but now one spouse has changed their mind, it can put a serious strain on the marriage and may not be something that can be fixed without one spouse having to give up their dreams.

Workaholism

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It is hard to have a happy marriage with someone who is never around. If one spouse is incapable of forming a healthy work-life balance, it takes a toll on the marriage. The emotional intimacy that is healthy and necessary in a functioning marriage is difficult to create or maintain when the other spouse is always at work.

Workaholism can also lead to resentment between spouses. The person who is always working may blame their spouse for “making” them work such long hours. The workaholic may see their spouse as living an overly extravagant lifestyle or not “pulling their weight.” Conversely, the spouse who is working more normal hours may resent having to take care of the house more or less by themselves. They may feel that it is not right that they come home from work and still have to handle all of the household duties because their spouse cannot be bothered to come home on time. Regardless of where a workaholic marriage falls, problems can start building up quickly.