How to Fight Effectively With Your Spouse

Marriage is a gift from God and can be an incredible union of love, safety, and togetherness. However, marriage can also be extremely difficult as two imperfect people interact on a daily, intimate basis. Out of these imperfections often comes conflict about finances, in-laws, children, sex, etc. If conflicts are worked through effectively then a couple can often grow closer and develop a deeper sense of unity in their marriage. However, if conflicts aren’t worked through effectively, which is usually more common, feelings get hurt and resentment takes root, breaking down tender areas of intimacy needed for a healthy marriage.

Being able to successfully manage conflicts does not come naturally and can be observed in children. When kids get upset, they say mean things, refuse to talk, stomp off, etc. Not much usually changes as those children grow up and start having conflicts with their spouse. Unfortunately, not enough time and energy is spent focusing on how to resolve conflicts more effectively. Therefore, we must start praying for God’s wisdom and learn how to master conflicts with our spouse in order to transform our marriages into his likeness.

The Beginning of Conflicts Is Most Important

Most conflicts begin by one spouse getting hurt or frustrated and then making a sharp/attacking comment usually starting with “you always” or “you never.” After the attack is made, the other spouse usually gets defensive and responds with a counter attack and on and on it goes. The spouse who first makes the negative comment has a lot of responsibility with how they say it because how it’s said will often determine how the rest of the conversation goes. If you express your hurt/anger in a soft way then your partner is less likely to get defensive and more likely to empathize with your side. However, if you express your hurt/anger in a harsh way then your partner will mostly get defensive and counter attack. So, learning how to deliver a soft start-up by “speaking the truth in love” (Ephesians 4:15, NIV) is essential and can be facilitated by several things.

Think Through Benefit of the Doubt

First, when your spouse hurts or frustrates you, think about all the ways it may not be entirely their fault. For example, what other things may have been influencing their behavior, such as were they stressed, tired, hungry, etc.? Are you reading into what they did or said and assuming the worst about their motives before really knowing if it’s true? Did their words or deeds trigger a pre-existing wound within you from your upbringing? Have you done or said something that may have encouraged them to respond in the way they did? Asking yourself these types of questions will help give your spouse the benefit of the doubt by seeing it may not be entirely their fault like you probably felt initially. In turn, these insights will decrease your hurt or anger from what they said or did, which will naturally help you bring up the topic more lovingly.

Express Benefit of the Doubt

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Also, it’s important for your spouse to hear you express benefit of the doubt type of language so they don’t feel falsely accused and blamed for something that may or may not have been entirely their fault. Moreover, if you don’t express the possible reasons why it’s not all their fault then they’ll usually respond with that information immediately out of defensiveness. Benefit of the doubt language sounds like this “I know you were really stressed at work yesterday and it probably wasn’t intentional at all, but I felt somewhat ignored last night when you came home and it hurt my feelings.”

Another example could be “It was really frustrating how impatient you seemed towards me last night, but I know I’ve been somewhat distant lately and that’s probably encouraged you to feel negative towards me.” Expressing the possible reasons why it’s not entirely their fault will help your spouse not feel attacked and it will encourage them to take ownership for the part that is their fault, which is essential for effective conflict resolution.

Focus On What They Did That Was Right

When your spouse hurts or frustrates you, focus on what they did that was right rather than only what they did that was wrong. When we only focus on what they did that was wrong, they will get defensive and respond with all the things they did that was right. When we acknowledge what they did that was right, it will make them feel validated and respected, which opens them up to hear the parts we are frustrated or hurt about that could have been better.

One example would be a wife who cleans the kitchen 80% of the way and leaves the other 20% on a regularly basis, which frustrates her husband. He may be tempted to say, “Why do you always leave 20% of the kitchen a mess, it’s so frustrating.” But instead he should say, “I really appreciate how hard you worked in the kitchen and thank you for all of the things you cleaned up; however, there’s usually 20% left unclean which is difficult for me, could we discuss that pattern further?

Focus on How They Have Improved

The last step to being “slow to become angry” (James 1:19, NIV) by having a soft start up is achieved by focusing on how your spouse has improved. Instead, when we are hurt or frustrated we focus on how they continually aren’t meeting our needs or expectations and we often overlook the ways they have improved. Sometimes they haven’t improved at all and it’s valid to feel frustrated. However, most of the time if it’s a reoccurring issue they have tried to improve and there have been some changes. The main point is to begin the conversation by acknowledging their efforts and ways they have improved. If you don’t, they’ll immediately get defensive and point out the ways they have tried to change. Therefore, if you point those areas out first then they’ll feel appreciated that their efforts haven’t gone unnoticed and then they’ll be more open to your feedback on how they could improve further.