Keeping Your Marriage Strong After Kids

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The transition from “married” to “married with children” is not always easy especially with less sleep, tight budgets and busy schedules. We love our children, and do our best to do parenting right, but let’s admit that the “for better or worse” promise can be challenging with kids. Once we enter this new phase in life, it can be hard to always honor this promise. It’s important that we build God-centered marriages over child-centered or me-centered marriages. It’s also important to remember that children may join marriage, but they don’t have to come between you and your spouse. If you are ready to love your spouse with kids in the house, here are five ways to keep your marriage strong. These tips will help you explore ways to parent as a team, avoid spouse neglect, communicate in the chaos, find balance in the busyness and keep God at the center of your marriage.

Protect the Authority of Parenting

Biblical discipline (correction, training and instruction) is God’s plan for family to be lived out within loving relationships. We are given authority in our families by God to lead in the ways of the Lord. This is a tremendous responsibility and privilege. However, this isn’t easy. Kids will expose our weaknesses and reveal how selfish and sinful we still really are. It’s important that we protect the authority of parenting. We will be humbled, tested, and at times divided, but with God’s help, there is nothing too big or messy we can’t handle. If you want to live out God’s plan, you and your spouse have to be a well-synchronized team – complementing, covering, strengthening and encouraging each other along the way.

Share Responsibilities

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It’s important that you and your spouse talk through sharing the enormous responsibilities of parenting together. It’s important that you ask particular questions first so that you are both clear and in a better position to start on your new course. First, ask in what area of parenting does each of you need your spouse’s help right now? Secondly, ask what would be most helpful for your spouse to do right now? Finally, ask what would be more helpful for your spouse to do right now? When it comes to the duties of the household, first ask what would you prefer for your spouse to start doing? Secondly, ask what would you prefer for your spouse to stop doing? Finally, ask what difference would these changes make in your day-to-day life and outlook – and in your feelings towards your spouse? When we parent together, we prevent others from becoming discouraged, overwhelmed and unnecessarily weary.

Talk through Ways Your Marriage Can Be More God-Centered

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It’s important that you and your spouse carve out time not only to do the things you enjoy to do together, but also to talk about ways you can focus more on a God-centered marriage. When you sit down together, first ask each other what good things have we made a priority for our kids that might not be good for us as a couple? Next, ask what can we do to pay better attention to our marriage and balance our priority? Then, ask in what ways are we each sometimes me-centered? Finally, ask how can we gently prod each other away from selfish behavior? Sorting through this list will make your marriage stronger and healthier. Also, you should strive to be selfless lovers. A great example of a selfless lover is Jesus – He sacrificed power, position and pleasure to move in our direction. We should strive to do the same by being Christ-centered so that we do not become too child or me-centered.

Listen to Each Other

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Listening is an essential part of love and marriage, especially with kids. There is no way we can extend grace and bring life to our spouse if we don’t know their needs or concerns. There are three types of listening that we should practice in our marriages. First is humble listening. When we listen humbly, we are putting our spouse at the center of our conversation, not ourselves. Next is undistracted listening. Life with kids can be full of distractions. When we practice undistracted listening, we tune those things out and give our spouse our undivided attention. Finally, there’s inquisitive listening where we not only comprehend what is being said by our spouse but also show that we care about what is being said.