There are two primary biblical perspectives on the role of gender in marriage: the complementarian view and the egalitarian view. Complementarianism teaches that men and women are equal in value but have different roles, while egalitarians maintain that men and women are of equal value and should have no gender-based limitations on roles within marriage.
Mutual Submission in Christian Marriage
The Apostle Paul addresses this matter prominently in his Epistle to the Ephesians. Before diving into specific views on gender roles in marriage, it's crucial to establish an overarching principle of the marriage relationship. Paul tells the Ephesians, "Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ" (Ephesians 5:21).
Grasping this principle of mutual submission is necessary for any debate about roles or structure to maintain its foundation. Christian marriages are under the authority of Jesus Christ, and He asks both husband and wife to submit to each other out of reverence for Him. Each spouse's attitude toward the other should stem from their relationship with Christ, not based on the behavior of the other spouse. Instead, respect and love for Jesus should be the motivator.
The Foundation of Christian Marriage: Submission to Christ
A Christian marriage requires both parties to see Jesus as the ultimate authority in their lives and marriage. The question of who "oversees" the marriage becomes less relevant when submission to each other for the glory of Christ is the central focus. Submission is inherently selfless, and if a couple begins and maintains their relationship in a spirit of selflessness, other issues around structure and roles become secondary. However, since conflicts do arise, relationships require order, and God provides guidance on daily interactions within marriage.
It's important to note that if this exercise is simply to determine "who is in charge," the outcome will likely be futile. However, if the focus is on finding the healthiest way to function as a couple, joy and unity become attainable goals, with selfless submission and mutual care as guiding principles.
With this attitude of selflessness toward each other established, a couple can look at the "authority" structure and role delineation to bring greater unity to their marriage.
The Role of the Wife: Submission and Support
In Ephesians, God instructs wives to "submit to their own husbands as to the Lord, for the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church" (Ephesians 5:22-23). Wives are to submit to their husbands in the same way the church submits to Jesus.
Unfortunately, when people hear the word "submit" in marriage, they may associate it with control or even abuse. However, biblical submission is not forced; it is a voluntary choice that the wife makes repeatedly in marriage. It does not imply that she is of lesser value or worth in God's eyes. Submission in marriage is about honoring an established order, much like rank within a military unit, where rank does not imply lesser value or capability. A wife's role is to see her husband as the head, honoring him in that position. This is why a woman needs to consider, "Can I follow this man for a lifetime?" before marriage.
The Role of the Husband: Sacrificial Love and Leadership
In Ephesians 5:25, husbands are told to "love their wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her." This requires humility, selflessness, and, ultimately, a willingness to sacrifice. God expects husbands to be willing to lay down their lives for their wives, surrendering personal interests for the sake of their spouses. God expects husbands to be selfless in their time, energy, and sexual purity, showing a commitment to loving their wives unconditionally.
This selfless love underscores the importance of purity before marriage. A man who practices self-control before marriage demonstrates his ability to be selfless afterward, strengthening the foundation for a healthy marital relationship. A man who remains pure before marriage is more likely to be selfless during marriage, creating an environment where his wife feels cherished and valued.
A husband's role is to sanctify his wife, helping her feel valued and cherished, presenting her as his most prized accomplishment. This nurtures her sense of worth and contributes to the husband's role as a servant leader. True headship is not about control but about service, elevating the wife above himself, as Christ does for His bride, the church.
Loving One's Wife as His Own Body
God further instructs husbands to love their wives as they love their bodies, to "nourish and cherish" them as they would themselves (Ephesians 5:27-29). This means caring for the wife's needs in all areas—physical, emotional, sexual, and spiritual—nurturing a relationship built on trust and respect.
In nourishing and cherishing their wives, husbands create an environment where both partners can flourish. A husband's love reflects the sacrificial love of Christ, providing a safe and supportive space for his wife to grow and feel valued.
Embracing Order For Unity and Joy
When both husband and wife work in tandem on these principles, the question of structure becomes secondary. However, there will be times, even in the best of marriages, when order is necessary to move forward during conflicts. However, if structure becomes the focal point of marriage, satisfaction often diminishes. When both partners prioritize selfless love and respect, satisfaction rises, trust deepens, and harmony becomes the norm.
God designed order in marriage for effectiveness, not as a measure of worth. When husbands and wives fulfill their roles with selflessness, they reflect the divine relationship between Christ and the church, becoming an example of a joyful, harmonious partnership.
Embracing God's Design For Marriage
God knows best how marriage should function. He created it, modeled it through Christ and the church, and blesses it when couples walk in obedience to His design. The principles of love, sacrifice, and submission in marriage honor God's design and foster a relationship that glorifies Him. Couples who embrace these roles and live out God's model of selfless love and mutual respect create a strong, enduring foundation that brings blessings to their relationship and to others who witness their union.
