Many Christians are uncomfortable talking about sex because they are taught that having sex is wrong and discussing sex is unacceptable. Our only understanding of sex comes when we have entered the covenant of marriage. This is one of the big reasons why having conversations about sex even into adulthood can be difficult. Many who do choose to wait have false expectations about sex because of lies they were taught growing up and are disappointed and disheartened when they realize that sex was not everything they were told it would be. The truth is Christians should be talking about sex. Here are six conversations Christians should be having when it comes to sex.
Sex is not shameful.
God does not want sex to be done in a way that there is any shame. Proverbs 5:18-23 calls to question a man’s lust of another man’s wife: “Why, my son, bed intoxicated with another man’s wife? Why embrace the bosom of a wayward woman? For your ways are in full view of the LORD, and He examines all your paths. The evil deeds of the wicked ensnare them; the cords of their sins hold them fast. For lack of discipline, they will die, led astray by their own great folly” (Proverbs 5:20-23). Many people experience shame regarding sex. The Bible reminds us that sex should be done in such a way that there is no shame. Sometimes shame is the devastating feeling we bear because we have been sexually sinned against. This does not mean that it is a shameful act.
What your sex life might be like when you first get married.
Many Christians are taught that their sex life will automatically be amazing when they wait until marriage, but there is no guarantee that this will be the case. When couples do wait to have sex and find out it isn’t the case, it can lead to frustration and disappointment. If newly-married Christians don’t receive the proper preparation, communication, and education, their sex life may struggle. This doesn’t diminish the value of waiting, but couples shouldn’t have false expectations about waiting. It likely won’t be fireworks the first time. Fulfilling each other’s sexual needs takes work. This will take time and commitment. It doesn’t happen because you waited.
Fulfilling each other’s needs.
Many couples buy into the notion that sex is solely about fulfilling a man’s needs. This idea often comes from Bible misinterpretation and the myth that sex is only done for the man’s pleasure. It isn’t about a woman fulfilling a man’s needs but men and women satisfying each other’s sexual needs. Couples who talk about sex have better sex. It turns out an essential part of cultivating a healthy sex life is talking about a healthy sex life. When partners talk to each other about their sexual needs, their conversations are often indirect, vague, and unresolved.
Couples in sexually satisfying relationships understand that great sex takes effort. You have to nurture your relationship inside and outside of the bedroom. While we are all busy these days, our relationship and sex lives can’t survive on the scraps of our time and attention. People in sexually satisfying relationships prioritize quality time alone together. In this busy, chaotic world of daily activities, tasks, and schedules, it is easy to forget that the person you chose to spend your life with is the person who can make your days brighter and the road ahead more comfortable to travel.
The reality of waiting.
There is a common myth that if you stay pure, you’ll end up with your dream spouse. This builds some high sexual expectations. The truth is, God is not a genie who grants our wishes if we do what we believe is right in His eyes. We are not guaranteed a fairytale spouse or sex life if we wait. While we can find great joy in waiting, this idea can be misleading for many Christians.
Pleasure is for both parties.
The Bible describes the pleasure that husbands find in marriage with these words: “Rejoice with the wife of your youth….Let her own her breasts intoxicate you at all times. With her love may you be in an ecstasy constantly” (Proverbs 5:18, 19). This does not mean that wives are excluding from pleasure in their marriage with their husbands. God also intends for wives to enjoy sex. The Bible says that husbands and wives should satisfy each other’s sexual needs: “Let the husband give to his wife her due and let the wife also do likewise to her husband” (1 Corinthians 7:3).
If you had sex before marriage, you are not damaged goods.
Christian culture pushes that you are not whole, clean, or pure if you have premarital sex. If you have sex before marriage, you are presenting a ruined self to your partner, which makes you damaged goods. The truth is you are not damaged goods. This lie can be especially harmful to victims of rape and sexual abuse. Not being a virgin does not mean you are “less than” broken or undeserving of love. It also does not make you unworthy of a godly spouse or a blessed marriage. Always remember that our God is one of forgiveness and grace. He does not withhold it, especially from those who ask for it. First John 1:9 promises that if you confess your sins, that He is faithful to forgive and to cleanse you from all unrighteousness. Psalm 103:12 also promises, “As far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us.” In addition to forgiveness, God wants you to embrace His grace to help you embrace the promises He has for you with joy.
It is tough having conversations about sex when you are taught that it’s wrong to have them. While it can be awkward to talk about sex, it is not wrong. We must talk about sex, so we have the healthiest, most fulfilling relationships possible.
