Why Your Teen May Be Unhappy

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Preteens and teens are developmentally moody, emotional and at times, unhappy. Most parents can attest to this. But more is happening during these developmental days than biology. In the digital age, we need to keep evaluating the impact of social media on measures of well-being when it comes to our preteens.

A report entitled, Social Media Use and Children’s Well-Being, concludes that just one hour a day of social networking makes a difference. “Spending one hour a day chatting on social networks reduces the probability of being completely satisfied with life overall by approximately 14 percentage points.” This finding raises concerns as preteens typically spend more than one hour a day on social networking. And the types of interactions they have that deal with social comparisons, cyberbullying, and finite resources when using social media should have us concerned.

According to the report, “Our results suggest that spending more time on social networks reduces the satisfaction that children feel with all aspects of their lives, except for their friendships; and that girls suffer more adverse effects than boys.”

The report also notes positive aspects of online networking–helping with loneliness, creating empathy opportunities, etc. But bottom line, limiting your child’s use of social media will improve his or her well-being.

Consider these parenting pointers.

Be a role model on social media.

In front of your children, it’s extremely important to be a role model with your own social media accounts. Children learn by watching, not by being told what to do. They model your behavior and notice how you interact with social media. If you are constantly on your phone, checking Facebook, watching movies, etc., they will do the same. And if you don’t pay attention to your own use of technology, you may be out of balance as well. So, do a spot check for a few days. Track your minutes on social media, number of sites you visit, how often you pick up your phone, etc. Add up the amount of time and see if you keep your use in balance. If not, time to make a few changes and be a role model for your preteen.

Explain you will monitor their use of technology.

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Explain your monitoring of their social media use so there are no surprises. One you track your own use, time to get a baseline on their use. If you establish up front that you will be checking their sites randomly and periodically to make sure they are being responsible netizens, this establishes a level of accountability and does not undermine trust. Let them know that you will set up shared passwords to specific sites and negotiate the level of privacy. You don’t have to see everything, but do need a wellness check every so often. There will be random checks to make sure they stay in balance. This is part of being a concerned parent and one that helps guide their social media use.

Set specific guidelines.

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“Anything goes” won’t work with your child, instead you need to set very specific guidelines. I’ve talked to many parents who feel overwhelmed with how many negative sites there are and how easy it is for their preteen to be exposed to those sites. You simple have to stay up on what is trending and what is popular for your child’s age group. Instead of being overwhelmed, do a spot check and go to any site that is not familiar. Simply google the site and see what your preteen is looking at and how he or she interacts with the site. We used to do this with television viewing. The difference was we only had one device to monitor. Now, we have phones, IPADS, gaming systems and more.

Educate proper use of what to post.

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Teens do not understand the repercussions that can come from posting on social media. Teach them what is okay to post, what can happen with public information, and the inability to control what happens once something is posted. Remember, the brains of preteens and teens are not fully formed. Preteens are impulsive, hormonal and don’t think ahead. They react from feelings. One way to help is to use a negative post to teach, not to scold or pile on guilt. But teach and teach constantly. Use stories of other preteens who were humiliated on-line by posting things that went viral or should have stayed private. Mistakes made by others of their age often bring the point home. And remind them that simply deleting something doesn’t mean it really goes away.

Create tech free zones at home.

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When possible, keep your home tech free and have as much face-to-face communication with your child. One of today’s concerns is that preteens and teens are losing their emotional intelligence because they have fewer and fewer real time interactions. Thus, you have to be intentional in setting up tech free zones and times. The most common directive in families is no devices at meals or during family time. This means cell phones and devices are out of plain site. Why? Because research indicates that even the presence of a phone, off or on, is distracting to face-to face communication. So, find a place in the house to deposit devices and get back to talking and doing life together.

Involve your children in extracurricular activities.

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Out of school programs, athletics, and activities that require live interactions and communication is one of the best ways to decrease tech time. Your child can join extracurricular activities in their school, community and church. Kids that are active in a youth group develop interpersonal skills, healthy friendships and learn ways to have supervised fun with their peers. Athletics and school programs develop leadership, discipline and teamwork that helps prepare them for later life. Facing challenges like participating in a group, giving a speech, performing an art, etc. involve skills they cannot learn on a device.

Evaluate your child on a daily basis.

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Does your child look sad, down, upset, angry, etc.? If so, evaluate the role social media may be playing in your child’s wellbeing. No parent wants to think that social media and too much device usage is leading to depression or other mental health concerns, yet the data suggests this is possible. Moodiness is part of a preteen’s development, but a tuned in parent can tell the difference between normal moodiness and a change in behavior that creates reason for concern. Thus, pay attention to your child’s mood, words, talk about relationships and stress. Look for signs of increasing isolation, loss of pleasure in other things, suicidal thoughts or feelings, hopelessness, sleep changes, appetite changes, poor concentration, feelings of worthlessness, irritability, or break ups in relationships.