where i hang my hat

Where I Hang My Hat

My father was a research scientist and all about proof. My mother was a nun, and her early life was about what can't be proven empirically. Sure, I dabbled in religion after my appendix burst and the doctor told me very somberly, "You were minutes from death." But it was a long time before faith set in. Some may not draw the distinction, but religion is an organized group with certain tenets that gathers for fellowship. Faith is where you actually hang your hat. For me, the journey really started about three years ago, when I realized that there were a few things wrong in my life and I was responsible for a percentage of them. Namely, one hundred percent. Taking ownership of my own life was a real step for me. For decades, I blamed circumstance or fate or others any time life was less than rosy. Personal accountability was both frightening and freeing at the same time. If I had indeed created my life, and it kind of sucked, maybe I could "un-suck" it by taking decisive action. Letting go of grudges and guilt was a big part of that.

But I still grappled with the issue of proof. Prior to this epiphany, I was always a "show-me" kind of girl, and there was no way to see what I knew was true. I just knew it. So I decided to assume a few things and just go with it: Someone is in charge in this universe. That Someone is a positive force. Being in sync with that force and "going with the flow" makes my life better on a level that I can't explain logically. And I decided that was good enough. I don't understand how my car's engine works, but it takes me where I need to go. I think it's actually possible to use my mind and flex my faith muscles at the same time. I'll use all my senses as I go through life, but when I can't find my way, faith is what will take me home.

Faith vs. Reason

I'm here,
You're there,
And yet, we're together.

I've been around the block, around the world.
Somehow, You're everywhere I go.

Make me mindful that life is not all or nothing.

Embolden me as I fail forward
Knowing that the only mistake would be not to try.

Inspire me to progress every single day.

Remind me not to take it personally
When I call and You don't pick up.

You gave me the gift of reason
Precisely so I would ask questions.
Be patient with me as I engage my senses
And still find the faith to follow my heart.

-Ruth Williams