Funniest Diner Jokes

Circus Duck

A duck walks into a diner and orders coffee and a sandwich.

The waitress looks at him and says, "But you're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you talk!" exclaims the waitress.

"I see your ears are working," says the duck, "Now can I have my beer and my sandwich, please?"

"Certainly," says the waitress, "sorry about that, it's just we don't get many ducks in this diner. What are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck.

So the duck drinks his coffee, eats his sandwich, pays and leaves. This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringleader of the circus comes into the diner and the waitress tells him about the incredible talking duck.

"Marvelous!" says the ringleader, "get him to come see me."

So the next day, the duck comes into the diner. The waitress says, "Hey, Mr Duck, I lined you up with a top job paying really good money!"

"Yeah?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"

"At the circus" says the waitress.

"The circus?" the duck enquires.

"That's right," replies the waitress.

"The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle?" asks the duck.

"That's right!" says the waitress.

The duck looks confused and asks: "What the heck do they want with a plasterer?"

Passing the Test

Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a trendy dining spot in the city.

Late at night, the officer noticed a man leaving the place so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity, while he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off; it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left. At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road. The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the truly proud customer. "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy!"

Bet You $1000

A man walks into a diner, and as he makes his way to the counter, he stops and talks to everyone in the place. As he finishes with each group of people, they all get up and leave and go stand outside the window, looking in. Finally, the diner is empty except for this guy and the waitress.

The man walks up to the counter, and says to the waitress, "I bet you $1,000 that I can spray a cup of coffee from my mouth into another cup from thirty feet away, and not get any outside the coffee cup."

The waitress thinks that this guy is a nutcase, but she wants his $1,000, so she agrees. The waitress gets out one coffee cup, paces off thirty feet, and the contest begins.

The man sprays the coffee all over the counter. He doesn't even touch the second cup. When he finishes, the waitress grins at him and says, "Well, I guess you owe me $1,000, huh?"

The man answers, "Yeah, but I bet all of those people outside the window $500 apiece that I could come in here, spit coffee at you and the counter, and have you smile about it."

Waitress Stories

Not long ago I met the waitress of my dreams. About halfway through dinner I called the waitress over and said, "Ma'am, this potato is bad."

She nodded, picked up the potato and smacked it. Then she put it back on my plate and said, "Sir, if that potato causes any more trouble, you just let me know."

And here's another funny waitress story...

Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat. The waitress became quite concerned and marched over and told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!" The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.

And finally, one more funny waitress story...

A waitress brings the customer the steak he ordered with her thumb over the meat.

"Are you crazy?" yelled the customer, "with your hand on my steak?"

"What" answers the waitress, "You want it to fall on the floor again?"