Prayer Parodies

Forgive My (Z)ins

My Wrath is the path to all I desire.
Oh Lord, forgive me my Zins.

I’m inflated with pride, near-bursting inside,

A self-centered repenter, Vanitys’ bride.

Oh Lord, forgive me my Zins.

I’m mired in mud, inert as a slug,

Sloth is the cloth that’s woven my rug.

Oh Lord, forgive me my Zins.

I eat day and night, consuming all in my sight,

A Glutton with nothing but a huge appetite.

Oh Lord, forgive me my Zins.

My will I ignore, my Envy’s a chore,

Over zealous and jealous, I want so much more.

Oh Lord, forgive me my Zins.

I’m ravenous to feast, an insatiable beast,

I concede to the Greed demanding release.

Oh Lord, forgive me my Zins.

I hunger for trust, my craving’s a must,

My sin is the Zin enslaving my Lust.

Oh Lord, forgive me my Zins.

– Kevin Phillips

Found on the back of a wine bottle. It was...Red Zinfindel, what else?

Scrabble Players Prayer

prayer for scrabble

Lord on high of great acclaim
help me with my Scrabble game.
Let me see openings

to use my bag of tricks,

grace me with letters that are evenly mixed.

Oh Lord, bestow upon me balanced racks,

and for an exchange, no tiles to come back.

I need your help, dear Lord

re-arranging squares of letters,

so I can get good combos

to play the game much better.

May the triple letter be clear

for Q, X, and Z,

and the triple word accomodate

my J, V, and C.

Let there be action verbs

when I'm holding I, N, and G,

and I will complete it with delight and glee.

Is it too much to ask

with bingo in rack

for an S to be open with 7 squares stacked?

Most of all, dear Lord I pray,

for good and worthy opponents

with whom to play.

It's not about tiles or board,

it's the spirit of sportsmanship

which honors the Lord.

Amen

-Susan Diamond

Pray writer who (obvioulsy) spends way too much time playing Scrabble.

10 Disgruntled Citizen Commandments

1. I am the Lord your God, you shall have no other gods before me unless the federal government orders you to do so. In a conflict between what your God-given conscience tells you to do and what a pack of politicians in Washington tells you to do, always give priority to the latter.
2. You shall not take the Name of the Lord your God in vain without an FCC license to do so. In the event of a serious violation, some well-placed campaign contributions ordinarily will serve as an adequate atonement.

3. Keep holy the Sabbath day, especially if you live in south Louisiana and the New Orleans Saints are playing an away game. Even more sacred than the Sabbath is Super Bowl Sunday. Keep it holy, too.

4. Honor your father and your mother if you happen to find both under the same roof (fat chance, if you have been born since the beginning of the War on Poverty).

5. You shall not kill unless the president sends you to a designated trouble spot, some remote place populated by swarthy and ungrateful natives upon whom you may wreak death and destruction till the cows come home. (This is a corollary of Commandment number 1 above.)

6. You shall not commit adultery, but if you do, you shall look earnestly into the camera, wag your finger angrily, and deny, deny, deny.

7. You shall not steal unless you use the government as your intermediary, in which case it's not stealing, it's social justice.

8. You shall not bear false witness unless you are running for public office or working as a government official's "dirty tricks" guy.

9. You shall not covet your neighbor's wife unless you play a part in a soap opera, live in the suburbs, have sex in the city, or get bored with your present wife.

10. You shall not covet your neighbor's goods, but it's okay to vote for politicians who promise to plunder your neighbor and hand over the loot to you.

Afterward, you may take pride in having supported a kinder, gentler policy and in having observed all the Commandments that current laws and regulations require you to observe.

Found on the Internet in numerous places by multiple cynical and snarky bloggers.