When They Come Home

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It is estimated that 7 0 percent of American adults have experienced some type of traumatic event at least one time in their lives—about 223 million people. Out of these 223 million, over 24 million have, or will develop, posttraumatic stress disorder, commonly referred to as PTSD.

One population that is both particularly prone to PTSD, and is particularly unlikely to seek help, is that of our military members. The men and women of the U.S. armed forces who exhibit the symptoms of PTSD often face rejection by their military peers, and are discouraged, through a culture of toughness, from seeking help in order to avoid being labeled “weak”. For many of these individuals, family is their only safe space.

But it isn’t always easy for the family members of these veterans. Undertaking the path to healing with these men and women can put a strain on marriage and family relationships because of the unique challenges involved.

But take heart—successfully dealing with PTSD is possible. To help make the journey smoother, let’s take a look at 6 obstacles you may be facing as the family member to a veteran suffering from PTSD, and how to overcome them.

The Unknown

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PTSD is a nebulous term that is widely misunderstood, and so the first obstacle many families must overcome is learning what this disorder is all about.

PTSD is a condition that can happen in those who have experienced a sudden loss, a violent assault, natural disaster, military combat, or any particularly intensely negative or shocking experience.

This emotional shock and trauma can later manifest in a variety of ways, including, depression, anxiety, nightmares, flashbacks, and the inability to trust others. PTSD can follow an individual for the remainder of their lives if left untreated, damaging or destroying any semblance of a normal life.

While there is no cure for PTSD, it can be treated and managed with great success, and the veteran in your life can learn to function through dealing with the event that triggered the disorder. Treatment usually involves psychotherapy—a type of counseling—along with medication, in some cases. Psychotherapy for PTSD can involve a variety of techniques aimed at helping the veteran manage feelings related to the trauma they’ve faced, and at reducing the intensity of their symptoms.

It is vital that the veteran’s home be a safe place for him or her to talk over any symptoms, and, if appropriate, to have counseling gently suggested. If you’re armed with the knowledge of how to spot the symptoms of PTSD, you’ll be better able to help your loved one.

The Negativity

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Empathy is vital for the family members of a veteran suffering from PTSD. Remember—these symptoms are present because this person—your husband, wife, son, or daughter—underwent something so horrible that they have come away with a psychological scar.

Keep this in mind when facing possible irritability, fear, distrust, and a generally negative attitude. Don’t approach their negativity with your own.

Instead, meet it with positivity and love. If you find your family member with PTSD obsessing over everything that could possibly go wrong, talk to them, giving a loving reminder that they’re not seeing things clearly—they may even be aware of their own negative bias.

In her book, “Love Our Vets,” Welby O’Brien advises to “Take a moment to say something like, “Do you know that your thoughts are spiraling downward? Can we think about the good things in store today? And we have so much to be thankful for.”

With empathy and love, you can help pull the veteran in your life out of their downward spirals of negativity, which is healthy for everyone involved.

The Addiction

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For those suffering from PTSD, the intensity of their traumatic memories can lead to unhealthy coping mechanisms—anything that dulls the pain becomes a source of solace.

For you—their family—this can be extremely worrying. Whether the addiction is work, alcohol, or illegal drugs, addiction can take a huge toll on both the veteran and their loved ones.

If this behavior is causing harm to your family, serious action must be taken. If there is immediate danger to you, get out. Right now. But if the situation is more of a downward spiral, think about hosting an intervention.

Again, a loving, respectful tone is the key. PTSD sufferers often view the world through a negatively biased lens because of their experiences, and so negativity may be seen as something much worse than it actually is.

It’s also important to be united as a family, particularly in this issue. In your quest to help those suffering with PTSD in your family, don’t forget about one another—you’ll all need each other as you go through this process.

The Lack of Self-Care

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The key here, as O’Brien writes, is the word “encourage.”

Family members should remember that these veterans are autonomous adults, and no amount of pushing will force them to act in a certain way.

Watching a loved one waste away is one of the hardest experiences in the world, but rather than giving in to the frustration that this may cause, endeavor to communicate lovingly, and to lead by example.

You might, for instance, start going on walks if the veteran in your life is struggling with their weight. It can also be helpful to actively inquire as to how you can help. PTSD can often feel very isolating, and so having someone actively come and offer their help can be relieving and effective—it can be the beginning of change.

Remind the veteran why you’re suggesting change in their lifestyle—when someone is mired in the trauma of the past, it’s easy to forget why people are on their side. Tell them that you’re concerned, and simply want the best for them.

At other times, when there is no response, it is simply best to let it go. Don’t burden yourself with the false idea that they are wholly your responsibility. They’re not. Take care of yourself, and you’ll be better able to help the veteran you love.

The Problems in the Workplace

Difficulties in the workplace can be a particularly debilitating symptom of PTSD—both because of the financial problems it can cause, and because such issues can make a provider feel worthless, triggering further depression.

These issues can arise from the normal stresses of the workday—a stern word from a supervisor, a casual complaint from a co-worker, or a negative experience with a customer, to name a few. These experiences can trigger memories of trauma, leading to difficulties concentrating or emotional outbursts. Performance can slip over time as the individual fails to come to work because of anxiety, or experiences poor memory because of depression.

Gather information through conversations with your loved one. Simply listen for clues concerning what, exactly, is triggering the problems at work. Are they anxious? Is their boss difficult? Bring that up as the possible focus of future counseling sessions. Get to the heart of what’s causing the issues, and deal with that directly.

Alternatively, find out exactly what’s going on at his or her place of work, and help them take a deeper look at their skillset, and figure out if those skills might be better matched to a different job.

The Risk-Taking

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Another common—and destructive—coping mechanism is risk-taking, which forces trauma from the mind in an adrenaline-filled rush. These can be financial, relational, or physical risks—things like gambling, cheating on a spouse, or intentionally speeding while driving. This can be detrimental to the veteran and their family, and should be addressed.

This is another area where angry threats will only result in wall-building between you and the family member suffering from PTSD. Telling a veteran sufferer what he or she can and cannot do will often cause them to feel controlled or trapped.

So what can you do?

Reframe the criticism as love. Let them know that, because you care about their wellbeing, because you don’t want to lose them senselessly, you’d like for the behavior to end. No bribe, threat, or punishment can replace respect and love.

And if you can’t change the behavior? As long as it’s not endangering you or your children, do your best to let it go, and release them to the power of their own free will. Learning that we cannot control others, however wise we are, is a life lesson that can relieve us of the burden of feeling as if we are in charge of the lives of others. We are not.